Home   |  Issues  |  The Daily Star Home | Thursday, May 13, 2010

And the New Leader Vows

By Osama Rahman

Gentlemen and Queens,
I hear it's of a true new leader that you dream. Well, I'm what you need and I'm what you mean. I'm not a fiend for the dreams, neither do I reek of nicotine. Never ran a gang and my record's pretty clean. So now I'm here to grab all your votes, Juxtapose Bling-Bling on that old boat. Forget the digital, picture the Metaphysical. Not stereo typical, still keep it heterosexual, blending the spiritual with the taboos and the physical.

Grand; that's how you'll define my plan. Coincidentally, that's how you'll define this man. I'll begin, bring solar-powered iPods and hydro-powered fans. Forget China, India and the remnants of Pakistan. Push for free trade with the giants of U.S. and Tokyo, Japan. That's just phase one of my plan. Now wait, I'll drop the thunder. Wonder what? Watch me take it one step further. By law, illegalize all homework and forbid all detention. Dress code jeans and mini-skirts for all, now Do I have your attention? Poverty reduction? Sure, I'll bling up the nation. Diamond and gold on street corners like South African fascination.

Feasibility? Bro, others spend 40 lakhs popping banners. They even dish out crores to teach the opposition some manners. So, sure I can cough up the dough. Problem in the budget? Order BB to publish a million mo'. And for every little mistake, I got my reasons, fo' sho'.

Tempting inflation? Blame the past government. Corrupted officials? Blame the past government. Spend a million and a million more and blame the past government. Money, power and family plots, oh my God I'm lovin' it. Ok, now I'm getting way ahead, so I'll come back to my people. I vow to bury insurgency and get the nation rid of evil. Perhaps turn a blind eye to extortion, just to make good and bad equal. Electricity crisis? Not when I'm in reign. Water and Gas Shortage? You must be completely insane. I vow no more pain, I vow no more shame. I vow no more confusion and diplomatic airport names. Can all that be achieved? Sure, in 20 years. Won't you vote for your savior every 4 years? First term, I'll install solar panels on every roof. I'll need some aid for that, to tell you the honest truth. Perhaps a hike in taxes and perhaps make rice dearer. Sure, edible oil prices will shoot up too, but soon the picture will become clearer. Digitalize the nation, but the sacrifice shall be supreme. There will be no electricity for the first year, I really mean. Now, don't consider this idea so obscene. Remember, wasn't it you who welcomed the world's most useless flyover in the scene? I'll build you more sixteen, congestion will be gone. I vow not to halt traffic, when I need my entourage to be moving on. In fact, I won't even use the roads, even my ministers will keep it free. A sacrifice indeed, but a sacrifice worth it for you and me. So, how shall I travel, you wonder if I'm getting softer? Not really, I'll just do my thing in an old-fashioned helicopter. Yes, that may lead to price hike of fuel and gas. But it WILL provide respite to this congestion thing at last.

Dirty water will be gone, as water purifiers will hit the town. No more fungus in your soup will be found crawling its way around. Alas, water purifier will take 6 years to make. And the first 20 tenders and project implementations will be fake. And the foreign donation won't also be put to use. We may pay more in penalties, but that's different news. As for the gas, we'll start fresh exploration. But first we will spend 10 years discussing and sorting out the maritime boundary situation. Also, we will invest in more wooded lands, more forest and more trees. Cut down the old and begin anew I shall plea. Of course, that's not stupid, it's a brilliant plan. In 25 years, we will have more dense jungles than those African lands. And finally, no more homeless people no more shanties and no more slums. We will burn all of them down and relocate the people to someplace fun. Perhaps assign flats to each and provide some free schooling. Ok, no seriously, who the heck am I fooling? Low-paid teachers will still show up to class once a month or so. And the flats will be available in 15 years or maybe mo'. In the mean time, the Railway can be home. And surely I will spring for their pillows and their foams.

What sounds like false promises, the one everyone makes? There is absolutely no way a man in Ray-Bans can be fake. What about my expensive wheels and what about my mansion? Stop asking for my wealth statement, observe that I'm handsome. Sure my plans take time, but at least they might just work. No, I refuse to sign commitments, stop acting like a jerk. In conclusion then I promise you all pieces of gold. Now collect your biryani packets and chant my name as you are told. Oh forgetful people, after all I'm one of you. Vote me and I'll forget my vows, the same way you will do. Vague recollections of fake promises, I guarantee. Gullible and easily manipulated, oh my beloved Bangalee.

 

 
 

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