Tonics to heal your relationship woes

This week, due to it being Valentine's, I will not be printing my usual column, where I try (yeah, right, as if I don't succeed) and fix your pathetic, little problems. I know, I know, you have been waiting the entire week for that and those of you, who have e-mailed me with all your problems, will have to wait yet another week for your answer. No worries, your life isn't that important. You can put that on hold for Dr. Lovelove. Where else would you get such great relationship advice?

Remember how most of you mess up your relationship, incompetent and moronic as you are? Well, you can stop biting your head off about that. Dr. Lovelove has all the medicine you need to heal your relationship ailments.

The Cheating Beau:
So you got caught trying to dip your chip where it doesn't belong? Dr. Lovelove knows that you won't have much of a problem fixing that problem. Girls are stupid anyways. And this Valentine's, you'll have the perfect opportunity to play that pathetic excuse that they call a brain to the test. Girls are a sucker for grand displays of fake affection. So, firstly, get her one of those huge, cuddly teddy bears. They're expensive, but you deserve it. How could you get caught? Are you thick? Anyways, take her out somewhere nice, buy her whatever you can afford, shower her with as many terms of endearment you can come up with and then, as the cherry on top, tell her the girl was your sister. She will not believe you at first, but if you are convincing enough, and you can cough up those priceless crocodile tears, you'll hit home run. No doubt about it.
First rule of love: Never get caught.

The Irritating Ex:
This is mostly for the girls. We all know you have that ex you just haven't gotten over yet. And you still talk to that puny piece of dung while your current boyfriend is unaware of your pitiable exploits. And since you are a doting couple, you have exchanged your Facebook and MSN passwords (seriously, how stupider can you girls get?) and when he signs in from your account, he sees that you have been mingling with this idiot and he had not known about it. And now he's really ticked off and wants you to stop all contact. But we both know you don't want to do that. The simplest solution? Lie. Since it's Valentine's, you can buy him the most expensive watch you can afford by bunking classes and picking your parents' wallets and purses, and not make it seem like you're trying to buy back his trust. When, in fact, this is all you're doing. Now, as for the lie, there are various you can go with. You can tell him that it wasn't you, that one of your friends had been using your account. Or say that he is really a pathetic wimp that you feel sorry for, and that he had threatened suicide if you hadn't contacted him. Be creative, work with it. Success will come galloping to you.
Second rule of love: Lie, Lie, Lie.

The Sucker:
You suck. Yes, Dr. Lovelove didn't need a PhD to figure that one out. You don't have a personality anyone would want, you're a pathetic loser who somehow got a girl to go out with him and now she is fast realising that she deserves WAY better than you. Here's the gist of it: if you don't have money, you're screwed. Do whatever you can to get cash, and spend it all on her. This is Valentine's, and you can't afford to be the usual cheapskate that you are. Take her to the most expensive restaurant, buy her most expensive things you can think of and change your looks (and, if it is possible for someone as useless as you) and your personality. If there's one thing we all know, it's that pretty, shiny things can win a girl's heart over better than love itself. All that glitters is not gold, you say? Well, that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. All that glitters IS gold. Or, at least, that's what all girls think. All your wretched imperfections will be invisible to her with the blinding light of all these expensive things. Remember: repeatedly remind her of how much each thing costs. It'll impress her beyond her wildest dreams. And keep telling her how beautiful she is regardless of how hideously ugly she actually looks. Remember, you suck. You don't have the luxury of being picky.

Third rule of love: Money is everything.
That is all for the time being. Stop crying, Rising Stars doesn't allow me to go on, no matter how much my immense fan base would like that. Follow these instructions to the T, and your better (or worse) half will return to you in no time at all.
Happy Valentine's, my minions.
Send your problems and inquiries to: [email protected]

By Dr. Lovelove

By the Fakir for the Fakirs

With the turning of culture as the original bearing of the word “Fakir” (coming from Sufism) sadly is becoming non applicable in this modern world of ours, the city folks also seem to have acquired acute distaste for the poor beggars. While I understand that the fakirs do try to fool you into their money trap by addressing you, as “apa” even through you might be a “khala” or calling you “pretty” while you actually might not be, I reckon this should not to be a driving factor for super intense agitation. After all, our neighbouring corporations do this every day, sucking us even drier, except they use fair and lovely for the chicks and hot chicks (who don't use fair and lovely) for the male gender (yes, fair and handsome failed to have as much sales for reasons obvious). I do agree however that our fakirs do seem to have mastered a very high fertility rate and that their numbers are exponentially increasing. Regardless, for good or bad reason our beloved metropolitan decided to have a drive against street beggars in the Tejgaon area, just this week. On the first day they swamped over a hundred of my brethrens from their worksites and “freed” (quoting the exact word) them on the outskirts of the capital. What they were “freed” from, is what I wonder.

Ironically when I was reading this I was also glancing through our wonderful constitution, where under Article 11 of Part II it is stated, “The Republic shall be a democracy in which fundamental human rights and freedom and respect for the dignity and worth of the human person shall be guaranteed…” Oh it is a wonderful world. What bugged me the most is the government not taking any steps towards trying to actually help the beggars, by maybe either finding a proper temporary shelter for them or maybe even a job if our member of parliament is in a good mood. Dreams of a Fakir I tell you; so much for “dignity and worth of a human person.” While on this note, do read over our constitution if you already haven't. It is a well-orchestrated comic book, which carries aspirations of many great men, sadly yet to be accomplished. Even though capitalism inherently loathes equality, let's hope at some point fakirs will not have to go through the torture of calling the ugly a princess, just for the heck of two bucks.

By Adnan M. S. Fakir

RS Mailbox

Word from the readers on our last week's issue:

Puch: I LOVE S.N Rasul's writing.. he is sooo good! Love you! Is he cute btw?

Mohita Nath: I loved the RSi. It was really good. Dr Lovelove was cool too! Feels good to read a positive movie review.

Munjareen Shahnaz: (I) loved the article on the cover page. Any chance that Az and Sabs can come up with new cases at a regular basis.. and not once in a blue moon?

Shamsil Kamal: Once upon a time, some months before, there used to be a wonderful feature in the RS called 'Myth box' which yours truly used to love very much. Any news of its whereabouts?

Monisha Momtaz: Yay, finally an anime review after so long! *happy dance* Thanks Kokoro Chan! Loved the review on Sherlock Holmes by The Anarchist Kitten.

Anika Anjum: Even hell has its standards: Fan-bloody-tastic. Calyx was a good one. And so was the one about GTs on the back page. More of RSi? Good God. I found the entire write-up needlessly dramatic! No offence!

Ziaul Afnan Chowdhury: This week's issue was awesome.......specially liked "Loving with Dr.Lovelove'.......I wish to see some music review of Steve Vai on the next issue....

Note from RS: Keep your peepers peeled for Steve Vai next week!

Redwan Hossain: When I said the last issue of RS had less humour in it, you guys surely responded with a hilarious one this time around. I really liked it. Hats off to Mr....erm....DOCTOR Lovelove for his Lovin' with Dr. Lovelove. I really had a good laugh after reading it. I think I'm going to send my love problems and relationship hiccups to him onwards. The laws of courtship by HU was pretty awesome as well. Loved the cartoon of Emil (you're the man);not to mention Babu. To sum it all up, I'd say, splendid job RS

Zinnia Ahmed: I totally loved this issue! The front page is really cool.

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