Planet of the cows

AGHAST is an understatement to what Sakib felt when his mother announced what she did over breakfast. No matter how much he likes beef, making a trip to the Biraat Goru Chaagoler Haat for that certain 'purchase' of the season is hardly a pleasurable job. But there he was, smack in the middle of a bustling BGCH, stumbling from stall to stall looking at cow after cow after cow…until it got him thinking, “Geez, cows are actually pretty boring.”
“Boring, eh?”

Sakib turned to see an old bepari smirking at him through hooded eye-lids. That startled him. Was he speaking aloud?

“Why don't you come over here and let me show you some interesting cows, eh?”
Interesting cows? Interesting.

Ushered by the old man, Sakib found himself in a rather shadowy corner of the haat. How come he hadn't noticed this place before? Moreover, what WAS this place?

“Let me have the pleasure of welcoming you to the one, the only, Planet of the Cows (background music- moooooo),” the old man beamed at him.

“Right. That aside, why are you suddenly wearing a Willy Wonka outfit?” Sakib asked, bewildered.

“Eh, the suit? Why I thought it was 'hip'. Paid a lot of money for it, you know,” the man winked.

Sakib didn't know what to say. Instead, he cleared his throat, “So, erm, where are the cows?”

“Right this way, young man,” the man beckoned him to take a seat before what appeared to be some kind of an illuminated stage. He clapped his hands once and suddenly there was music.

“Let's begin with celebrities, shall we?” the man clapped again and in walked a pair of nicely decorated cows, swaying their hips from side to side with the beat of the music.

“The red one is Laali from 'Meena' and the other one is the the athletic nursery-rhyme cow that jumped over the moon. I once thought of sending him to the Olympics, you know,” the bepari introduced proudly.

“Um, why are they moving like that?” Sakib asked, wide-eyed.

“They're cow-walking, duh!” the man laughed.
Sakib blinked, “Oh.”

“Next, we have the Disco-Cows!”- And in walked, no, cow-walked a pair of rock-star cows who, upon reaching centre-stage, started dancing and singing-

“Tomar shing duita to joss, amar ei lej tao shoru. Tai amra holam ajke Disco Goru. I am a Disco Goru, tat tat tara…”

Blinded by the disco-lights, the only thing Sakib could manage was a strangled- “Oh, they speak too.”

“Of course!” the man boomed. “Beats Close-up 1, no? After this we have…”

Next up was a grumpy-looking grey cow who; the moment he appeared, started yelling- “If you buy me I guarantee you the best meat and skin in the whole country. I use 100 percent pure deshi shorishar tel, but of course you can tell that from my shiny skin. Whoever says anything otherwise is surely conspiring against me and this country. Therefore if you buy me, blah blah blah…”

“Politician cow,” the man whispered into Sakib's ear, “they talk too much, though.”

After that, there was a black RAB cow wearing black Aviator shades, a bespectacled Einstein cow that kept muttering E=mc^2, a Brad Pitt cow that put up a Cowscar-winning performance and many more. In fact, so many more that by the end of the parade Sakib found himself quite giddy with the massive amount of 'interesting' bovine information.

“So, which one would you like?” the man asked, a prominent smirk on his face.

“…Can I have a glass of water first?” Sakib asked meekly.

“Sure, here you go-o-o-o,” and for some weird reason the bepari-in-Wonka-suit splashed the water right on his face…

…”Bhai! Bhai!! Are you okay?”

Sakib blinked. The first thing he saw was the toothy smile of a massive cow (or was that only the teeth?) whose face was suspended inches away from his. The liquid on his face was still wet and, disconcertingly so, the smiling cow seemed to be drooling.
“Where's the Planet of the Cows?” Sakib blurted.

“The what?” the owner of the drooling cow scratched his head. “You seemed to have passed out beside my stall. Heat of the Haat, maybe?”

“Oh,” Sakib muttered. “Damn, I wanted one of those Disco-Cows.”
“Disco-what?”
“Nothing. Forget it.”

By Kokoro-chan

North East West South (NEWS)

Justice Served
The nation was relieved of the shame it bore for almost 35 years when the verdict was given in the Supreme Court on 19th November against the murderers of the father of the nation and his family. The 11 criminals, among whom 1 is dead and several are missing, were given death sentence to be executed within 2 months of the verdict. Diplomatic steps are taken to bring back some of the self-proclaimed killers and bring them to book. Notorious cases like the murders of the three leaders of independence and of course the trials for the war criminals are next in line. We really hope that justice will prevail.

The Rise of the Raise
The government recently announced a new pay scale for the government officials, which saw the rise in salary by maximum 72% (the Daily Prothom Alo, 14 November). Now this can give rise to quite a few dilemmas. The price of the essentials can rise, despite words against this from expert economists. The question is what will happen if the prices really rise? What will be the significance of this new pay scale then? And what about the non-government officials? Questions, questions…

The Sack
Yet another coach was sacked in our trouble filled football field. The Brazilian coach Edson Silva Dido was fired when he failed to meet the expectations of the oh-so infinitely wise officials in the BFF. And what were the expectations you ask? Seemingly less training, less exercise, less outbursts, more 'obedience', more taking unfit players etc were the things the wise ones were after. We recommend an over-weight, old dog as Coach that can wag its tail without any break. He can do all that, bar the last one. Good readers have already read the awesome article about the suitability of foreign coaches in our circumstances 3 weeks ago.

When Boy meets Animated Girl
Ladies and gentlemen, we have officially reached a new level of lameness. A man in Guam has seemingly married a made-up character from a video game. Yes, married. For realsies. The fellow, according to blog reports, fell in love with a virtual girl from a Nintendo DS game. He took his console into a church and made an honest, um, cartoon out of her. The game is called Love Plus, by Konami. In defence of our happy groom, he's not the only one trying to get serious with these on-screen lolitas: Thirty-five hundred people and counting have signed an online petition to legalize marriage between men and two-dimensional characters in Japan.

In related news, Google gives 12, 700 results for “Nintendo DS liquid damage”.

Murdoch the Man
In an interview last Friday with his own Sky News, Rupert Murdoch said he planned to keep Google News from indexing all News Corp Web sites, effectively making the Wall Street Journal, New York Post, Fox News, and other popular Murdoch-owned sites invisible to the search giant.

While the camera was switched off, the aging baron also vowed to everyone present that he plans to turn Googleplex, Google's headquarters, into nothing but a smouldering pile of pebbles.

“I love the smell of burning Segways in the morning”, said the media mogul

When Anger Management goes awry
All of us, at a certain point of time in our miserable lives, have a tough time controlling our emotions. Mr. Raamesh, a 21 year-old gardener from Orissa is no different. However, what may seem slightly controversial may be the way he vents his anger out. We break stuff at the most, Ramesh here prefers to eat them up. One fine morning, while tending to plants in the park, a grass snake bites his foot. Now they aren't venomous, but Ramesh's male ego was hurt and to punish this lowly creature for its audacity, he picks it up and tears pieces of its flesh…with his teeth (we have to know the toothpaste he uses). Eating uncooked snake is apparently bad for the old gut, so Ramesh is rushed to hospital and after a minor medical procedure, he is back to normal. Sadly, the same cannot be said about the snake, poor old thing died on the spot. The shame.

What can we say? It is a mad, mad world out there. We just bring it to you monthly.

By The Don Khan and Ero Senin
Source: The Daily Star, Prothom Alo, Google News

RS Mailbox

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The Love-hate connection

Ahsan Sajid,
You may think of yourself as an omniscient, over-experienced genius of the review-writing world, but I am here to pull you down to earth from your presumed, superficial and apparently permanent position at the Pearly Gates.

You are conceited, prejudiced and overly biased towards your own opinion which seems critically artificial in itself. You use your sly command over the blessed language of English to hide your personality and highlight an image which you have created.

Don't you realize that the ultimate aim of a writer should be to create something which his readers can comprehend and enjoy? Your articles are rarely about anything which the readers are interested in.

You never let your emotions show. No one can understand who you are or how your mind works. That is what a reader always wants to do.

However strong my opinions may be, I must admit that I am a fan and I eagerly wait to read you articles. I was glad that you let us into your world even just a little bit by telling us that you love Michael Jackson and can't stand Britney Spears. Although, since I am a fan of the Backstreet Boys I was not too excited about how you disregarded them as truly accomplished artists of pop. Maybe you should put a little effort on listening to the music made by these wonderful artists.

Hope you get it right soon.
Wolverine X