The week in re(ar)view

This week our Resident Conspiracy Theorist is away on vacation. Mood Dude's mind exploded from so much mood and Gokhra bit and poisoned himself. So we leave you in the hands of (cue drum roll) the Mindless Rambler.

It's all about the money. Everything is all about the money. Even money is all about the money. The only ones who do not are about the money are the cows who obliviously chew grass all day. These days grass also costs money. Of course, all these cows have given their lives to a noble cause a week ago. Yes, it is the noble cause of feeding and clothing humans. In other words the cows died to make money for humans. It is a vicious circle that cannot be shaken off.

As usual during Qurbani Eid cows were slaughtered left right and centre with the emphasis on centre. People spilled the blood right in the middle of the street so that they don't get any blood spatters on their boundary walls. It was a devastating war zone with carcasses lying all over. Every side street was blocked with dead animals I the middle of the road. The movie society of Bangladesh missed a great opportunity to create the first local zombie movie with minimal costs. All the props were just lying there for the taking.

Other Eid related casualties included a large umber of traffic mishaps occurring mainly because of the dense fog on the highways. It was reported that many of the buses were driven by the inexperienced helpers who easily lost control.

How to do jihad in five easy steps
On a different un-cow related note a JMB man was caught distributing jihad books on the last day of eid. Wonder what they call these books. Here's some of the titles we thought up when we put our mind in Militant mode.
“How To Blow Up Seemingly Innocent People in 3 Seconds.”
“The Idiot's Guide to Militancy.”
“1001 Effective Uses of Hijab.”
“Condensed Encyclopedia of Beard Maintenance” (a complete set of 215 volumes)
Poetry book titled “Curse thou common people”
“Jewel Aich's guide to Disappearing Acts”
“Economics of RAB Evasion”

These guys do not know how to take a break. If only the rest of the people were as industrious then Bangladesh would not have been numero uno in corruption for 5 years running. We could have been on top for 10 years at least. Oh well, there is still the future to look forward to.

Weekly trivia:
Oh yeah, ever wonder what JMB really stands for? Jao Maaro Bomb. Very appropriate isn't it?
By Gokhra and Mood Dude

Tete-a-tete
Thought of the week: “Every
new beginning comes
from some other
beginning's end”
~ Semisonic ~

Hey All,
I'm back... It's just a test run for now, since I'm not really decided on whether the column has a place here or not. I mean, the RS is literally buzzing with activity!

First up, we're trying out a new section called BoyCott, in the centre, for all the girls out there who are dying for some artsy, fun girl stuff. Keep your eyes peeled as we bring you tons of fun quizzes, celeb gossip, DIY tips and tricks, and loads more!

Looking ahead, we're planning to make February the hottest month of the year, so we're running a couple of contests for Valentine's Day.

The first is Valentine 800…that's right. If you've got a love story you want to share, please send it our way at [email protected] . The word limit, as you can guess, is 800 words.

For Anti-Valentine people, we're also having a V-spoof contest. You can send in a '10 reasons why Valentine's Day sucks” list, or you can send us your own Anti-Valentine story within 500 words.

Finally, for the lovebirds, we're going to have a special edition of Shout Out…with a twist. This section is for Love Limericks…that is, your dedications should be in the form of limericks. For the uninformed, a limerick is a four-line poem made from rhyming couplets. Here's an example:

“Oliver Twist
With a flick of his wrist
Picked a locket
From Fagin's pocket”

Go on, be creative! We'll be waiting to hear from you. The submission deadline is Thursday, February 2, 2005.
Well, that's all from this old girl here. Take care, and see you next week!

Send your love letters, hate mail, queries and suggestions to [email protected]
By The Girl Next Door

Just how dumb are you quiz

1. What do you put in a toaster?
The answer is bread. If you said "toast", then give up now and go do something else. Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, "bread", go to question 2.

2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk". What do cows drink?

Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk", please do not attempt the next question. Your brain is obviously overstressed and may even overheat. It may be that you need to content yourself with reading something more appropriate such ! as "Children's World". If you said, "water" then proceed to question three.

3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a greenhouse made from?

Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green bricks", what the heck are you still doing here reading these questions? If you said "glass", then go on to question four.

4. Twenty years ago, a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany. If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany. Anyway, during the flight, TWO of the engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he has time and the plane crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land" between East Germany and West Germany. Where would you bury!

the survivors - East Germany or West Germany or in "no man's land"?

Answer: You don't, of course, bury survivors. If you said ANYTHING else, you are a real dunce and you must NEVER try to rescue anyone from a plane crash. Your efforts would not be appreciated. If you said, "Don't bury the survivors" then proceed to the next question.

5. If the hour hand on a clock moves 1/60th of a degree every minute then how many degrees will the hour hand move in one hour?

Answer: One degree. If you said "360 degrees" or anything other than "one degree", you are to be congratulated on getting this far, but you are obviously out of your league. Turn your pencil in and exit the room. Everyone else proceed to the final question.

6. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea, th! ree people get off and five people get on. In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven. What was the name of the bus driver?

Answer: Oh, for heaven sake! It was YOU, Read the first line!!

Wake up the sun

Please, please,
Please God forgive me
Forgive me for my sins
For sins done by me.
Darkness is moving with
Air and dead leaves,
Let the light kill the evil-
Minds, visions and dreams,
Let me see with open eyes.
Please, please,
Please God,
Wake up the sun
Fire to light broken candles,
Let the sun speak with earth
The earth which is so dark,
The land which is far
From happiness and joy
To north-south, to right-left.
Please God,
Show me the sun
Brightness from heaven
And faith inside me,
To kill all black noises,
Attack the dark forces
Of unknown destinations,
Destinations that are at
The line where I stand.
Please God,
I beg to show me light
Some bright hopes
That will bring ambitions,
Dreams will bring gifts,
Pressure from You,
Please show me the yellow-
A creation of You,
Wake up the sun.

By Tahsin Hyder

Wanted: Lab assistant for Bangladesh Super Hero Development Society
Requirements: An individual who wants to take science to the next frontier. We are looking for a courageous individual who is not afraid to try new things especially new drugs that even our lab mice are afraid of trying. In fact that is why our position is vacant due to an experiment carried out on our previous lab mouse. It was a drug designed to give small mice the proportionate power of a large rat. It worked but the mouse used its strength to escape from its cage as seen in the picture form our CCTV footage. That's why we need a new employee.
Benefits: Plenty of cheese.
Salary: See above
Contact: [email protected] and don't forget to mention your preference of cheese in the résumé.