::: Star Weekend Magazine :::

Chintito

Dr. Jackal and Mr. Hide

Chintito

Nowadays almost everyone has two jobs.
Mr. Karim's driver is also his cook, Mrs. Jawad's singing master is also her swimming instructor (it is said they rock the pool) and we have to find out from Mr. Rahim, whose personal secretary is also his wife, which of them came first - bibi or woh.

Dualism is the in-thing these days. There you have the BATEXPO 2006, presumably trying to export our textiles, but they imported singers, musicians, dancers, models and DJs from Mumbai, obviously dressed in Indian textiles, to an extravaganza at what looked on TV like a local hotel. That's what is being cast and recast on ATN for the past few days.

While the show has been received with raised bhuroo, mainly on charges of toying with our national image (videshi gaan for deshi thaan), everyone seems to be missing the point. Everyone knows how crazy the Indian public are about their celebrities and how they mimic everything the stars do. Now none of them were buying our textiles, neither the stars nor the public. So why not invite some of them to our country, give them the best of our hospitality, show some of the delightful samples and then they are sure to buy our clothes. In the meantime, kuch gaana ho jaye! When the stars return home wearing our clothes because theirs were soiled, the public would go ga ga and start placing orders and our export would skyrocket. What a plan! Hats off to our gifted policy makers! Let our jaat go to the dogs, who cares? As long as we can hear a phoren DJ blaring, “Aur Bhai saab, aagla gaana leke arahaan hai…” Hai-rey swadhinata!

Multiple personality is a very rare psychological disorder. This is when somebody appears to have two or more distinct, independent, and often complex personalities that are present at different times and dominate one's behaviour. Now here have the case of Jai Jai Shafiq, a high profile newspaper editor whose unpaid staff is awaiting an important meeting with him, and Bye Bye Shafiq, a single handbag traveller who wants to embark on a trip abroad, all at the same time. His only letdown in his furtive hide-flight was his indecision to choose an airline from five possibilities. In the end they became choosy.

According to some sources, success may have turned the reputed journalist and TV host's head as he has nigrao-fied maximum benefit from the four-party alliance, but somehow he was reluctant to join their victory parade as they were handing over power. This is a typical case of split personality. Very sad! We wish him early recovery from his ailment.

In a major turn of events this week, propelled by political dichotomy, we now have the mahamanno president assuming the responsibilities of Chief of Caretaker Government. While some newspapers and politicians have unnecessarily dubbed the surreptitious move as a father tying the knot with his hobu bou-ma, one can only see the positives in the same man having two of the most important jobs in the country. Ask the man whose driver does his cooking. Or the man who sleeps with his secretary with no questions asked.

For one thing the Chief of Caretaker Government will not have to waste any time in seeking an appointment with the president. He has only to look into the mirror and say, “Hum hai na!” There you go; the BATEXPO fever it seems has also caught up with me.

Secondly, and perhaps most importantly, the Chief of Caretaker Government will not have to travel anywhere to meet with the president, thereby relieving the nagor bashees from much-criticised traffic hold-ups. Each is always there for the other. What dedication to national duty! It's fantastic! Just by one single appointment we have solved our traffic problems. And so shall be all our national ones, because like the morning, every evening shows the next day, because that is when the swearing-in happened.

Thirdly, the Chief of Caretaker Government will not have to hide anything from the president; he simply cannot, the other guy (Sorry Mr. President!) already knows. Our government has never ever been this transparent. So what if the ballot boxes will not be so?

Fourthly, at the end of his 90-day term, the Chief of Caretaker Government will not have anything to report to the highest office, because Heh! Heh! “Hum hai na!”
Now you decide who is Dr. Jackal and who is Mr. Hide.