Jokes

Film Facts

13 things films have taught us
1) All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices, which have large red read-outs to tell you exactly when it will go off.
2) Should you need to pass yourself off as a German officer it will not be necessary to speak the language, a convincing accent will do.
3) All apartments in Paris overlook the Eiffel tower.
4) Most lap top computers are powerful enough to override a bank security system or the communication system of an invading alien civilisation.
5) Every single person in martial arts film has a black belt in karate.
6) When staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing clothes.
7) 1 man shooting at 20 men has more chance of hitting them than 20 men shooting at 1 man if he is the hero.
8) During a police investigation it will be necessary to visit a strip joint at least once.
9) Large studio-type apartments in big cities are affordable by single people with a low wage.
10) The entire British population lives in London.
11) It doesn't matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a martial arts fight; your enemies will attack you one at a time while the others dance around you menacingly.
12) In musicals everyone you meet in the street will know all the words to the songs and the steps to the dances.
13) When captured by an evil international terrorist, guns are not necessary to defeat them, sarcasm and wisecracks are your best weapons.

Reflections on Life:
♦ I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.
♦ I'm in shape. Round is a shape.
♦ Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
♦ I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
♦ Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.
♦ Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but going faster is a maniac?
♦ You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking 5 miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is!
♦ I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.
♦ One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.
♦ They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.
♦ Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.
♦ A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, "Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" I said, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too!"
♦ Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

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