The Weight Factor

Nabila Idris

The world today is infested with three categories of people: (i) guys, with bodies to die for, (ii) girls, with bodies to die for, (iii) the majority, who do want to die because of their body. You see, this last group possesses bodies that flaunt an extra layer of fat, even around the ears. I have seen many perfectly sane people plunging head-first into numerous weight reduction techniques just so they won't fall under the third banner. Through my meticulous training (in med-bhuri-ki-kori organisations) and years of experience (giving weight related advice to friend and foe alike) I have formulated an age and sex-wise plan that, if followed scrupulously, should reduce your weight drastically. It will soon herald the slim-trim figure of your favourite hero/heroine on your own body. Read on and rejoice.

0-9 (both sexes):
Follow your parents' instructions. All of them.

10-13 (both sexes):
Having just entered the age when the opposite sex commences to have some sort of meaning, you will naturally be concerned about your looks. Much of your time in front of the mirror will be occupied by the intruding zits, pimples and black heads. But you really ought to find time to turn sideways and observe your profile. If the belly protrudes even by an inch, stop eating. You'll become skinny again. The flip side of the coin remains you'll stop growing taller. So? Your motto is: It's better to be called "the Lilliput" than "Dhaka's-answer-to-Yokozuna".

14-20 (female):
This happens to be the most traumatising age for females. With Claudia Schiffer's irritatingly hour-glass figure and Britney Spear's expanse of perfectly flat belly as the measure, what else do you expect? However much you strive (gym classes, morning walks etc) a slight bulge in your lower belly is ubiquitous. Let mom scream for the nth time that all girls have it because of their Nature-endowed physiological structure; you know it isn't so. Just look at Ashley Judd. My advice is remove the stomach. A lot of space inside the belly is taken up by the stomach. Throw it away, and your belly automatically caves in. However, if you balk at such radical and obviously irreversible surgical technique, the other options available to you are anorexia and bulimia. Of these, bulimia already has an international acclaim (Lady Diana had it you know), and is therefore much preferred. You may find running to the toilet or the nearest basket after every meal with intermittent "WHAAAK!" sounds slightly embarrassing, but those are the only chronic thorns in the road to success. Besides, anorexia sometimes lands you in the ICU.

14-20 (male):
Unlike your female counterparts, you are averse to openly admitting your obsession with weight. After all you are the macho man, aspiring to achieve the rippling muscles of Rock and Sylvester Stallone. And yet, what happens if the required bulge is there on your upper arm, but your best friend (the jerk) astutely points out that instead of the heavenly combination of actin and myosin what you actually have are layers upon more layers of adipose tissue? As your new best friend, let me inform you of the solution, which will effectively throw buckets of bonnyar pani on that jerk's Hansie-Cronje-autographed jersey… wear full-sleeved shirts. Brilliant, huh? Nevertheless a snag remains. What if the adipose tissue made its abode not only in your upper arm, but conquered the territories below your diaphragm as well? You may harbour ill-judged plans of hacking it all off. Pause, and consider. This drastic action may have serious repercussions: you may not find trousers with that thin a waist size in the fake CK shops. Plus, you may even die. Therefore, this is what you ought to do. Wear baggies. The current trend is to wear pants that are loose enough and long enough to do half of Dhaka City Corporation's work by sweeping the streets. You, on the other hand, will take the trend to a higher level, by wearing equally loose shirts that dip way below the knees. Any unwanted bulge will automatically hide itself in the numerous folds of your… er… gown.

20-37 (both sexes):
By this age, your maturity must have reached new heights. You do not engage in the teen-age fad of being really obsessed with weight. It's all right. You can let down that cloak of uncaring attitude. We're all friends here. The unobtrusive throwing away of two-thirds of the biriyani from your heaped plate is permitted. Flushing away the meticulously prepared, calorie-lathered pastries may seem a waste to your hostess, still it's only natural. Eating with a seeming relish in front of your friends and colleagues and then toiling away non-stop at the exercise machine for two straight weeks may seem to be an extreme schedule to the fatter of the species but I recognise your worth. I have nothing whatsoever to teach you. You are a class of your own.

40-59 (female):
The wrinkles around your eyes have become too pronounced for even plastic surgery. This is when you show the world your blooming youth with an Attitude as the only tool. The perfect weapon for that is the slim (bordering on Ethiopiar durbhikker victim) body. To achieve this, no subterfuge will be needed as it did in your early life. You can still do the daily pilgrimage round Dhanmondi Lake, of course. But the following method has a higher success rate. In all parties, take only half a tablespoon of polao and a teaspoon of torkari. Then take refuge of a running commentary. "Arrey bhabiiii, ato moja kore radhen apniiiii! Attto kheye fellaaam. Petta bhorei giyechheee. Ki jey mota hoye jachchhi naaaaa…" Faced with this verbal onslaught no one will dare point out that you've eaten absolutely nothing.

40-59 (male):
You have reached the age where you are desirous of hiding your progressively increasing age. The T-shirts don't fit anymore, yet you continue to wear them just so you don't have to face the obvious fact. No problem. Carry on wearing them. Haven't you seen the loose-pant/tight-Tshirt/comfortable-cap wearing men jogging round Dhanmondi Lake every morning? Who do you think they are? They are your pals. You don't recognise them because of those all-hiding caps. Get a few of those. Then jog all you want, climb as many flights of stairs you want (heroically ignoring the perfectly functioning elevator a feet off) and chivalrously carry as many lady's handbags as you may possibly want to.

60-100 up (both sexes):
Follow your doctors' instructions. All of them.
The above guidelines should point you towards that slim-trim figure. However, if these do not seem to work as adequately as required, contact me. Naturally monetary reward will be needed for each advice provided. But it won't be used for my own benefit. It will be used to give my house a better décor (which, as you see, helps the house, not me), to buy me a new car (which helps the car industry, not me), to provide education for my children (which helps the future generation, not me) etc. I wouldn't dream of taking money for my own use in return for helping humanity. No way.

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