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        Volume 11 |Issue 41| October 19, 2012 |


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Write to Mita

Dear Mita,
I really need your help. I have no one else to turn to. I have been in a relationship with this guy for more than three years. We loved each other very much although we always have had our differences. He comes from a very conservative family. He never wanted whoever he marries to be a working woman. But I have always studied hard and am determined to have a good career. He also wants me to wear a hijab (which includes covering the face) after our marriage. My parents never made me do that, but I agreed anyway, but I was a little uncomfortable with covering my face. Although we get along with each other very well, these are the only things that we have always been fighting about. Recently, he told me that he cannot take it anymore. He wanted to break up as he thought that we are two entirely different people and if we make sacrifices none of us can be happy. Ever since the break up I have been devastated. I want him to come back all the time. But I am also scared that maybe, he was right when he said that we were different and cannot be happy with each other. Although I love him very much I do not think I can give up my career, my parent's hopes for me and also cover my face for him. On the other hand, he also is not willing to let go of these things. Do you think this is true love? Can we still live happily together even though we have such major differences? Do you think I should call him and try to make up? Please answer my questions or I may end up making a wrong decision.

Dear Confused,
Unfortunately, he is right, you are very different people and perhaps not right for each other. I must commend him for realising this and releasing you from the bondage. I do not advise calling him back and renewing the relationship. The difference between you both is fundamental. You might agree to his wishes for the time being, but will resent it in future which will create bitterness and unhappiness between you. Love is not only about romantic feelings and wanting to be with each other. It is about two minds coming together in convergence based on certain principles and values. Even if you do get together now, over time your differences will grow leading to a very difficult situation. It is very good that you are deciding now instead of after getting married. With marriage comes another set of expectations and demands which will not be possible for either of you to meet. Therefore, painful as it might be, it is for the best that you two part amicably, as friends and find partners more suited to your temperaments.

Dear Mita,
I have been dating this guy for 10 months and am deeply in love with him. He is perfect in every way but one, he is very short tempered and often violent when he is angry (not towards me). Let me give you an example. A month ago, he was driving me to Uttara and we were fighting about something (can't remember what exactly), when suddenly a kitten ran across the road. We had enough time to stop the car, but my boyfriend, who was really angry at this point, ran over it anyway. I screamed in shock and demanded he stop the car to see if we could help it but he gave me a strange look and asked if he managed to upset me as much as I had upset him. I felt a chill go up my spine when he said that. He has been completely normal since then and we never talk about this incident but I haven't been able to forget it even though it has been a month since it happened. Please tell me if I should bring it up with him and get him help.

Dear Scared,
I must say that this is disturbing. Anger is like a disease and if left uncontrolled can lead to very serious consequences. You should certainly talk to him about this and request him to seek help. If you are really in love and want to spend the rest of your life with him then take this matter very seriously. Talk to his parents, friends, siblings and try to find out the reason behind this behavior. Most of the time people do not take anger very seriously. After marriage this becomes a major reason for discord leading to frustration, arguments and sometimes violence. It is good that you are aware of this personality trait in him and can take measures now.


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