Jokes

On the Job

Sayings That Should Be On Those Office Inspirational Posters:
* A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat.
* Plagiarism saves time.
* Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
* TEAMWORK...means never having to take all the blame yourself.
* Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
* The beatings will continue until morale improves.
* Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.
* Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!
* Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
* INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.
* Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

Differences between you and your boss:
* When you take a long time, you're slow.
When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.
* When you don't do it, you're lazy.
When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.
* When you make a mistake, you're an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.
* When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority.
When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.
* When you take a stand, you're being bull-headed.
When your boss does it, he's being firm.
* When you overlooked a rule of etiquette, you're being rude.
When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.
* When you please your boss, you're apple polishing.
When your boss pleases his boss, he's being co-operative.
* When you're out of the office, you're wandering around.
When your boss is out of the office, he's on business.
* When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick.
When your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill.
* When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked.

Signs to watch out for in the classifieds:
*"COMPETITIVE SALARY"
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
*"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY"
We have no time to train you.
*"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE"
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up.
*"MUST BE DEADLINE-ORIENTED"
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
*"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED"
Some time each night and some time each weekend.
*"DUTIES WILL VARY"
Anyone in the office can boss you around.
*"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL"
We have no quality control.
*"CAREER-MINDED"
Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
*"APPLY IN PERSON"
If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.
*"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE"
We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
*"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE"
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.
*"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST"
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
*"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS"
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
*"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS"
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.

Young Babul applied for an engineering job way, way up north in Shreveport. A local man applied for the same job and both applicants, having the same qualifications, were asked to take a test by the department manager.

Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one question. The manager went up to Babul and said "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the local man the job." Babul said "Why you gonna be doin dat sir, we both got 9 questions right?"

The manager said, "We made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the one you missed."
Babul asked "An jus how da heck would one incorrect answer be mo betta dan da otter?"

The manager replied, "Simple, the local man put down on question #5, 'I don't know,' you put down, 'neither do I.'