Chintito

A Lost Address to a Nation

Chintito

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Free-oh Desho-bashi,
Peace be upon you!

It is just past midnight, which I consider the most appropriate time to address my beloved fellow countrymen, because almost everyone is home (including me, Heh! Heh!) and sleeping. And those who are not dreaming of a shonar Bangla day after tomorrow do not deserve to listen to my speech Live. They are either busy watching some Hindi movie of a friendly neighbouring country (read India) or doing some hanky-panky wheeling-dealing, or writing some nonsense for this morning's newspaper. That allows most of you to depend on this morning's newspaper.

At the very outset I recall with deep respect the supreme sacrifice made by my golf partners, who allowed me a day off to write what I am reading to you. I also salute those of you who laid down your remote control to listen to me. Don't go anywhere. I may take a break but I will back in a fortnight with more twists and about turns.

On this auspices occasion I particularly bear in mind those of you who could not bear our bhasha andolon, the War of Liberation, and the anti-autocracy motion, and were therefore on the opposite side of the majority of our population. Our sincerest apologies to you all! The state shall forever remember your glorious contributions and active opposition. That is why we have accommodated many of you in important positions. We are indeed grateful to you to see our flag flying on your car.

Dear people of this oyeti-hashik country. We have a proud history of rewriting history! We have shown the world how a history of a united country can be sustained under very dire and trying circumstances. Friends, in a changing world it is not possible to keep the same history decade after decade, as we will then be considered backward. No other nation has ever dared as we have. We have even changed our father. This is nothing new and is very common in countries with advanced medical system. We have however done it with our own technology. I am grateful to the engineers who achieved this medical feat.

Today our country is passing through a very critical stage. Otherwise who wants to speak to you at one in the morning? At my age I should be in bed by one in the afternoon. Alas! Those days of shanti are no more. I have forsaken my personal comfort to respond (I have not done so for many years now) to this hour of national need and urgency. Why do people have to rush it?

Friends! You all are aware how I have been thrust this entrusted responsibility as well as countless offices that my father did not hear of. This father is again not that father. This transfer of power was necessary, as we are very concerned about the deteriorating conditions. Daytime it is hot; nighttime it is cold. It is the time for the test of our patience, endurance and national unity, but best is to cover yourself with a kaatha. The nation waits with abated breath to see whether we will remain swadhin long enough to decide whether we can keep on wearing our sweater during the warm hours of the day and have the liberty to wait till the falling temperature of the evening comforts us. As your undisputed leader I cannot emphasise any more that we must be on full alert to protect every inch of our sacred body. Remember, we only have one.

Brothers and sisters! It is important that you know your moushumi friends. There are enemies within and outside our boundaries. Those within are called fielders and the rest are reserve players. Jealous of the tremendous progress made by this country and the successful rise in the price of rice, the evil forces have raised their head on the pitch and made it green. But a blade of grass is a blade of grass, and not to be confused with our abundant fawshol.

I consider this an appropriate time and poignant moment to call on our brethren armed friends to stand on alert, no! let them come out on to the streets, no! thukku! let them surround my compound, no! I don't know who told them to go back, no! that should read come back, no! yes! With their vast experience in foreign soil we shall be able to crush every blade of grass by using their heavy steamrollers. We have done it in the past.

Despite our commitment to providing a level playing field for both the teams, it shall help everyone to remember that we carry no malice towards anyone. At this point in time I can only reiterate our national policy of our envious commitment to peace but only after the present game is over. If that is called good engineering then my uncle was my auntie.

Believe me dear Desho-bashi! I do not want to make these late-night speeches. I am too sleepy. I wish I did not have to make this one tonight. I definitely did not write it. Being a happy and contented person I was happy and contented. But so many things have been happening in the recent past, including endless talks about climatic changes, non-stop silences about rainfall and undelivered packages of good weather, that suffice it to say our nation is passing through a kranti log-no. No conscientious citizen can sit idle in such an uncertain and precarious situation. As a person who has dedicated his life to morning walks and evening talks, I considered it my duty to rise up to the occasion and offer the suffering people a way out...

(Blimey! Yet another power failure! That is another icon of our unnati, in every home a mombatti)

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