Why Yelling at Your Kids Never Works

Your kid has broken a vase while playing football, ignoring the 'no playing inside' rule of the house. How do you ensure that he doesn't repeat this behaviour in the future? The immediate reaction would be to lose your temper, and let your child hear the end of it. However, according to a study by the London School of Economics (LSE), that's the last thing that you want to do if you want your child to actually listen and not just hear your words.   
We know that there's no right way of parenting. What works for one kid doesn't necessarily work for the other. You might think that when your kid is not heeding your words, a bashing is required; they need to understand that you mean business. But this attitude could actually be counterproductive, says the research conducted by LSE.  
When you think about it, there are really no upsides to yelling at your children; you lose your temper, you feel lousy and guilty for the rest of the day, and your kids claim to hate you. Your child is not just a kid but he/she is a person too. They have good days and bad ones just like you do. You don't expect your loved ones to yell at you on a particularly cranky day, so why inflict this torture on your kids?
“Shouting at your child or punishing them are not ways to discipline your kid,” says Professor Dr Shaheen Islam, Chairperson of the Department of Educational and Counselling Psychology, University of Dhaka. “When a child fails a subject, her parents immediately start the blame game. But they need to understand that failure can be a result of different reasons, and it is your duty as a parent to find out why your child is not doing well in their studies. Focus on why she isn't doing well in school, talk to her about it, ask her whether she is having any problem in concentrating in class or following her teacher's instructions. And then try to find a solution.”
When you hit or yell at your child, you are trying to control your child through violence, and that is both abusive and disrespectful. When you raise your hand on your child, they know that you intended to hit them. They begin to believe that any bad behaviour should be dealt with physical or psychological violence.
In most cases, parents act as role models for their kids, says Dr Islam. Children model their actions on their parents' behaviour. Sometimes parents take out their anger on their kids because they are stressed or frustrated about something that is completely unrelated to their children's behaviour. A child, obviously, should not be expected to understand that his or her mother is not mad that they were getting late for school but is rather worried about the presentation at work.
“I remember shouting at my maid once in front of my four-year old. I was annoyed at her for some reason, and didn't think twice before yelling at her at the top of my lungs. However, I apologized for my bad behaviour later on in the day. A few days later, I noticed my son screaming at the maid because she was “taking too long” to give him something he wanted. I was shocked; this was the first time that my son was behaving in such a manner with someone. I explained to him right there that I had lost my temper the other day but that was no excuse to be rude to someone. I apologized to my help once again in front of my child to help him understand that he can't get his way through bad behaviour,” says 34-year-old Fariha Nasrin.

A number of studies over time have shown that parents who frequently and loudly express their anger in front of their kids are bound to end up with children who do not show much empathy towards others. In fact, Matthew McKay, psychologist and author of 'When Anger Hurts Your Kids,' has said that children of parents who express their anger turn out to be “more aggressive and more depressed than peers from calmer families, and they perform worse in school.”  
If you want to remain calm in front of your kids, you first need to ensure your own health, says Dr Islam. You need to understand that personal problems like work-related issues or conflict with your spouse or friends may result in outbursts in front your child. If you can start prioritising your health, start working out, and take sometime out for yourself, you are sure to feel less like a martyr and more like a happier, calmer matriarch.
“When you are in a better personal place, it will show in your parenting style. You will find yourself listening to your kids rather than yelling at them,” says Dr Islam.
So what do you do when your child breaks your favourite vase? You keep calm, says Dr Islam. “Ask yourself whether that vase is more important than your child. If you yell at your kid, he'll learn that a material thing is more important to you than him, resulting in a loss of self-worth while he learns to be more materialistic in the process,” she adds.
Adopt alternative behaviours when dealing with a child who is not behaving in the way you want him to, suggests Dr Islam. Instead of saying “no”, explain to them how their behaviour might result in a negative outcome. Instead of saying “don't touch that”, say “let's do something else.” These kind of positive reinforcements will surely have a more lasting positive impact on your child's psyche.
Maintain a friendly, trusting relationship with your child. You don't want them to hide things from you when they grow older, do you? Children, especially young ones, feel a need to be protected; they want to know that their parents will understand and are there for them. This does not mean that you ignore their bad behaviour. But being firm is not the same thing as being cruel. Instead of yelling, warn them when it's appropriate to do so, and follow through with the consequence if they don't listen. Keep a written list of household rules prominently displayed, so that your kids know what is expected of them. If you feel like you are about to lose your temper, just walk out from there, and take a breather. Come back with a fresh approach, find creative alternatives to yelling. Your children need to know that their behaviour was disappointing but you don't need to shout that out, because frankly, most of the time they are even listening to your rants.
It's not like your kids will be perfectly behaved if you stop yelling. They are kids. They don't know what's right or wrong, they will be learning all that from you.
However, rest assured, you will find yourself dealing with fewer tantrums and declarations of hate from your children once you adopt the no-yelling, no-hitting stance.