Whose Under Are You Anyway?

Reputed firm looking for a Manager…Send CV to PO Box…”
The excitement of a blind date on way to the romantic GPO. What if a manager of that company decides to jump ship, only to find his CV on his boss's desk?
“Age must be between 35 and 39.”
Precision! The required qualifications fall off the cliff the minute you turn 40. Hence the tradition of co-existing with 2 ages -- chronological and that of the certificate. Don't get too carried away while exaggerating about your age -- may question the legitimacy of your birth.
The CVs pour in. Make it a one pager, please! We have ADHD -- Attention Deficit in High Definition.
You make it to the interview.
“Where do you see yourself five years from now?”
“I see myself celebrating the fifth anniversary of this idiot asking me this stupid question.” Duh! Who knows what's going to happen in five years? Just look at the last two elections…
Ok, that's all on the inside.
“What? You have had 13 jobs in 2 years?”
The re-assuring response: “I am very loyal. I didn't leave any of these jobs on my own volition.”
Next, the agonising wait for the company's decision. If you don't hear back soon, don't waste your time enquiring, only to hear, “No decision has been made yet.” Well, the decision has been made, you're just not a part of it.
But then, you may get the call. Welcome aboard!
Go in fresh. Strive, grow, but also survive.
Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted either, since you are really good at something, which means you will be assigned all the work. But, if you are really good, you will eventually figure out a way to get out of it. Because, you do need to flap your wings.
Be a sponge. The traditional mindset is stingy -- knowledge is not shared nor money spent on training, thinking that employees will leave and go elsewhere. Hey, how about not spending money and only the average remaining in the company!
Don't over commit and under deliver. No news may be good news, but please do give the bad news rather than no news at all. That also means that the boss must promise to refrain from shooting the messenger.
Make sure the pay is based on performance and not on seniority. G W Bush said, “Pay should be commensurate with performance.” Mr Bush, in that case, you owe us money.
It's perfectly fine to keep the boss happy. Boss says, “Can you finish this report by 5pm today?” Answer: “Sure. And would you like some fries with that?”
Laugh at his jokes, because they are the 'funniest.' The higher the rank, the 'funnier' his jokes are. If you feel insecure, just laugh harder. If the sycophant champ stops laughing, that simply means he just got transferred to a different department.
It's ok to make mistakes. Keep repeating them, and you'd better make sure you have an uncle high up. After all, to err is human, to forgive is not company policy.
As you grow, make sure you don't grow tumors like the love for prepositions. Colleagues? Co-workers? Oh, please, those are not the C-level words we seek to associate with.
“I have twenty SUBORDINATES working UNDER me.”
The pride of a harem owner. Whenever I hear this, I picture a hen, wearing a nice three piece suit with twenty eggs UNDER it, with each egg neatly labeled, 'Management Trainee Officer' (MTO). As the MTOs look at what's over them, the sight isn't all that pretty.
Finally, take the time to ensure there is no glass ceiling. If there is, well, that is what the management calls a protective barrier. Just give them the safety of that protection and move on.
Remember, there are three things that take you to the top and beyond -- problem solving skills, ownership and accountability. The next Satya Nadella can surely be from Bangladesh.
By the way, it's all applicable to not just the corporate world. Take it from me, your CEO, aka, Chief Entertainment Officer…

The writer is an engineer & CEO turned comedian (by choice), the host of NTV's The Naveed Mahbub Show and the founder of Naveed's Comedy Club.
E-mail: [email protected]