The Perfect Comeback

It is a given that from time to time you will come across an obnoxious character who will make it a point to say something insulting. It is like the common cold – attacking you at the most inconvenient times and making you miserable for a while. And like that irritating ailment, it is something you must endure for the allotted period before it leaves you feeling both relieved and drained. Like the common cold there is no perfect cure for sudden encounters with jerks. There are only doses that will alleviate your discomfort and hopefully transfer some of it to the insufferable creature.

What you can have is a bagful of instant comebacks that you can hurl randomly to shield you from those poison darts. The reason you need to be prepared is that unless you belong to that elite group of super smart individuals who are always ready to hit the ball (read insult) right back, chances are that you will be open mouthed and numb with shock after someone bulldozes you with some mean comment.
This is because most of us are 'tube lights' (fluorescent lights that take a few seconds to turn on) when it comes to reacting to uncalled for rudeness.
By the time you come up with the perfect retort, the moment is over, you have missed the bus.
Hence the need for that bagful of goodies called good comebacks.
In response to a crass comment like, “Why do you look so haggard?”: “I was going to give you a nasty look but I see you already have one.”
In reaction to, “You people have such easy jobs, whenever we see you, you are taking a tea break, whereas we have to slog all day”: “I'm busy now can I ignore you some other time?”
When a tiresome ex whines, “You'll never find someone like me” the reply: “That's the point.”
When a show off tries to make you feel small by bragging about their trips abroad, child's academic excellence, husband's adulation, connections to VIPs or another diamond set for the 'marrez de' (marriage anniversary): “You're so rich, must be dodging a lot of income tax eh?” Wink, wink.
To boorish inquisitions from strangers like “What is your salary?”, “How much do you weigh?”, “How old are you?” “Are you married?” be imaginative. Say in a conspiratorial tone: “Shhh there are cameras everywhere, can't say anything now” and walk away.
To bullies who feel good about themselves by making others feel bad use any one of these remarks:
“I see you are working on your random intelligence.”
“Oh no, I think your mean bubble has burst again and giving off that horrible smell!”
“Is it time for your medication?”
“You know, I'll always cherish that misconception about you.”
“You know, you remind me of a mosquito. It's a pity I don't have one of those electronic squatters.”
And First Prize goes to:
“How many times do I have to flush before you go away?”
So the next time when you can sense a hurt ball is being thrown at you be ready with that solid shield of quick witted comebacks. Like building immunity against the common cold, these nuggets of smart sarcasm will provide unimaginable comfort.