Being a newbie in Facebook can be quite embarrassing. It's not just because you have defected to the 'other side' after vowing NEVER EVER to join this narcissistic, voyeuristic, self-promoting, exhibitionist forum. It's not because you realise you how pathetic it is to live vicariously through other people's glamorous lives. It's not even because you find yourself trying to take selfies and ending up looking slightly demented and cross-eyed in the photos.
What is really mortifying is that you have fallen into the trap of befriending strangers who have sent you friend requests not because they are dying to know how brilliant and wonderful you are. It's because of all the goodies you bring with your account.
Your friends and friends' friends are what they are interested in. Some of these FBs (Fake Buddies) will look up all the attractive women you know, look at their albums if they are accessible and may even be audacious enough to try and chat them up on FB by sending cryptic messages to their inboxes. Others just want to increase their 'friend list', hence you are no more than a mere statistic.
A strange aspect of your FBs is their refusal to acknowledge you when they see you face to face. While they have no inhibitions about posting pictures of all their personal moments on FB newsfeeds that you will definitely see, they will totally ignore you when you pass them by. They will refuse to make eye contact, and when you smile at them they will shift uncomfortably and look the other way. It makes you wonder, are you only virtually likeable?
There are more reality bites for the FB novice. You will soon have to admit to yourself that you are, what can only be described as a 'dormant friend'. While the veteran FB users are updating their sultry, suave, profile pictures and adding new photos of all their kayaking and bungee jumping adventures, you will still be sporting that picture from ten years ago that you happened to find in one of those forgotten files in your computer. What's more, the only pictures you have in your album are those that your real friends have tagged you in, some of which you would rather not have everyone see. Sadly, all those privacy settings are Greek to you no matter how many times you have been shown how to do it. This means all those on your friend list can see what a raging lunatic you are after hours.
As an apprentice in this highly competitive piece of cyber space you will also realise that knowing how to pose for an FB photo is a prerequisite. You are supposed to find that attractive angle, smile without showing teeth, suck in your stomach, jut out your face so the double chin doesn't show and basically look like you are having a whale of a time. For those confident FB users who couldn't care less how they look and just post candid, unedited, un-posed pictures – bravo to them. It will be a while, however, before you will reach that state of self-assuredness.
Being a newbie on FB is confusing, embarrassingly so. You may want to send someone a private message like: “Please tell X that I couldn't make it to the wedding because I have the flu or something. I just don't want to meet all those dull, pretentious fools.” Yet it ends up on their Timeline for the whole world, including X and the superficial dullards, to see. Needless to say that Facebook is as much about breaking friendships as it is about making them.
The funny thing about accepting friend requests without thinking is that you may end up befriending your eight-year-old nephew who now will be exposed to all the inappropriate jokes, comments and other content posted by your grown up (at least in terms of age) friends.
The hardest, most humbling moment, however, that will crumble all delusions about you being a diehard non-conformist, is when you find yourself eagerly scrounging around the page to see how many 'likes' you got for posting the picture you took of yourself, despite the cross-eyed, slightly demented look.