Surviving Love
She likes watching soppy romantic films with pretty heroines and prettier heroes. He likes action-packed, slightly gory, blockbusters where the good guys make pulp out of the bad guys and save the scantily clad damsel in distress. She wants him to talk about his feelings. He wants to sleep. She wants to vent about her mother-in-law, the house help, the children, the neighbour, the office politics. He wants to watch the most important game of the season with his chums. She wants to go shopping for herself, him, the kids, the relatives on both sides, the staff and their mothers. He wants to run away from home.
Women and men are apparently from the same species but besides the physical contrasts why are they so different mentally?
In the beginning when the two are ridiculously in love they are almost like identical twins. They love the same music, food, smells, humans, animals and so on. Watching them feed each other, finish each other's sentences or worse, baby talk to each other – can be quite excruciating for those in a more 'mature' stage of a relationship. Part of the hostility of course, stems from sheer resentment that those silly, exhilarating days are long gone into the monotonous pit of reality.
After the first stage of delusion that the perfect mate has been found, is done and dusted, individual resentments start to take over. He hates the fact that she leaves the toothpaste uncapped. She can't stand it when he leaves the damp towel on the bed. Her voice seems to have been changed from a cooing dove to a screeching crow. His long, ardent speeches about how beautiful she is have been reduced to monosyllables, grunts and growls.
Often though, it is all about miscommunication. Women tend to test their men constantly to assess their level of affection. Men, except those who have wizened up, take everything on face value.
On a weekend when a woman asks her man what he would like to do it would be unwise to just say: “I want to sleep” or “Wouldn't mind hanging out with the guys”. The best answer would be: “How about watching a movie together, your choice” or “let's go shopping”. As hateful as such prospects might be this will yield high returns in the future. She may feel so grateful at her man's obvious commitment to her desires that she may even suggest afterwards: “Why don't you go see your friends?” It may well be because she wants to watch her favourite drama serial in peace or dye her hair but that's not the point.
The point is that a man has to develop a decoding system to figure out what his partner wants and then act accordingly. While it wouldn't hurt if men were mind readers, there are common pointers that may prevent a lot of grief.
The man has to know when to agree or disagree. When she asks innocently: “Do you think she is pretty, sexy or attractive?” he should NEVER opt for any one of those options. This is not a multiple choice question. The correct response would be “What her? I don't know what people see in her.” But when she begins a tirade on his mother's constant attempts to belittle her it is counterproductive to say that it's all in her mind or that it's actually her fault that she hasn't made enough effort to please his mother. This is the time when he should shake his head in commiseration and show his sympathy: “I know how much you take, I'm so sorry that you have to go through this because of me.” This will take her off guard and her anger will defuse. At this point he can even place his hands on his face in exasperation and stay like that for the next half hour. Strangely enough, she will start feeling bad for starting a tantrum and even give him a hug in remorse and overpowering love.
Women meanwhile, must learn to give the man some space – around four to five hours each day, besides the eight hours for work, another eight for sleep, two for bodily functions and one for joint socialising. Which leaves a good one hour of quality time together.
Comments