12:00 AM, March 08, 2018 / LAST MODIFIED: 12:00 AM, March 08, 2018

How to not get roasted about your embarrassing past

Most of you would agree if I said that your past life doesn't frame you in the most flattering light. I also know how it feels to have a past you want to erase, only to be thwarted by technology (thanks for nothing, Facebook memories). Over many such experiences of being roasted about cringe-worthy blasts from the past, I've amassed some priceless knowledge. With it, I make this guide to help you avoid the same fate.

YOU CAN'T RUN, BUT YOU CAN HIDE: If something has happened, you can never erase it from people's memories. You can, however, remove all traces of it from your timeline. This is why you should stop reading this article right now and log into all your social media accounts. Once there, scroll all the way down until you reach the deepest, darkest corners of your past. Delete all of the cringey old posts where your pre-teen-self ranted about things you didn't understand (like taxes). Also make sure to wipe the photos where you posed like an idiot with one too many hashtags (#swag), thinking it was “cool”. It wasn't. Trust me, you'll sleep easier once these are out of sight. No one can roast you about the past if there is no past.

BERMUDA TRIANGLE: Not everyone is lucky enough to erase their past in time. These people have the unenviable privilege of having their embarrassments on display like dirty laundry, for the whole world to see. Something's got to give, however. If you can't hide your past, hide yourself. This is the perfect time to take an unannounced leave of absence from anything social. Avoid get-togethers and meet-ups like the plague, and deactivate your many accounts until this all boils over. Later you can claim your phone wasn't working, or that you were out of Dhaka where the networks don't shine. Whichever excuse you choose, no one really cares anymore. Some people have the attention span of a large goldfish, and after a few days most people will have gotten bored and moved on.

THE BEST DEFENCE IS OFFENCE: People want to make fun of your past? Beat them at their own game and roast their embarrassing past selves instead. This technique might require you to spend hours sifting through your friends' accounts. This may also start a never-ending chain of back and forth roasting, but hey, it's not like you have anything important to do.

SHOW THEM HOW IT'S DONE: The best way to deal with getting roasted is to roast yourself. Expose others as the amateurs they are by making fun of you better than they ever could. From your height, weight, or intelligence to your preference in football clubs — make fun of it all. Once you wreck yourself this badly, everyone else's words will lose their sting. Not only that, but no one will be able to say anything about you that you haven't said before. Once you fully develop a self-deprecating sense of humour, you will achieve zen and ascend to a higher state of being. No, really.

 

With a heart of ash and a PC of potato, Wasique Hasan could use some help. Send memes to cheer him up at facebook.com/hasique.wasan