Earning that Salami you deserve | The Daily Star
12:00 AM, June 07, 2018 / LAST MODIFIED: 12:00 AM, June 07, 2018

Earning that Salami you deserve

With Eid right around the corner and excitement brimming in everyone young and old, it sadly has lost a bit of its exuberant essence for those of us who are trying to adult. Eid gives us yet another example of how growing up is a horrible phenomenon. You know where I am getting at, don't you?

I am talking about the nose dip in the amount of salami every year, until it becomes next to nothing.  Especially, someone who is used to getting a lot of it as a child will take a hard hit of realisation when the same uncles and aunties do not hand them the same amount of money just because they are older. I mean, doesn't growing up mean a spike in our monetary needs? Then, why doesn't this equation add up?

Well, I have come up with a few tactics to get back that salami and they have all worked for me. A note of caution, however, luck and your level of charm play important roles here, so these do not come with a guarantee. Keeping those in mind, you are at liberty to try these at home.

Firstly, you need to show the optimal level of dedication on this day to make an impression on your family. Do not give them a chance to complain throughout the entire day, by that I mean run all the errands even before you are asked to do them. If you are really desperate, you could try studying for an hour right after your Eid breakfast. Show how serious you are for your next exam because this move would assure a doubling of your salami.

Drag your parents to all the neighbours' and relatives' places, even if you hate them. Be extra nice but make sure your behaviour is not cloying because you don't want to look like you are only there to exploit them. Start by praising those dessert delicacies the aunties made, like there is no tomorrow. Try asking for a second offering to validate your statement, even if it means compromising with Type 1 Diabetes. For the uncles, tell them that their hair line has stopped thinning and let them win in all the political debates, better yet, agree to everything they say and don't even engage.

Clothes are a big factor when you are visiting others. Remember, collecting Eid salami is a work of art and with so many kids running around in every Bangladeshi family, the competition is tougher than the job market for BBA students. However, unlike them, your future may actually look bright if you look your part. Do not dress up like a 'beyadob' and go shamelessly asking for money. You need to convince them that you are deserving of this giveaway, so dress up like the goody two-shoes that you are not. You can also pretend to be interested in their eligible nephew, if you are a female of marriageable age (in their eyes).

Further, you will need to sugar-coat your achievements and flaunt those to dazzle them in order to receive an extra note or two. This, however, won't be easy because usually, they will all know someone who went to Harvard, won two Nobel Prizes but still does all the house chores. So, you will really have to push the envelope to leave your mark.

If all else fails, charge a full battalion with all your younger specimen and keep bombarding the target group with constant 'salam' until they cave and fill everyone's pockets. But this operation should only be carried out if the concerned party is a close relative.

When they finally reach for their pockets or purse and take out that new crunchy note that smells like victory (or dead trees), refuse only once out of modesty. When they insist the second time, yank it out of their grip and run in slow motion into the sunset and cherish the moment, because even before know it, this moment will be gone and the tables would have turned and you will find yourself getting ripped off for salami by the next generation.

 

Iqra suffers from wanderlust, dreams of discovering the Loch Ness Monster and occasionally complains about Economics. Tell her to get a life at iqra.kashmir53@gmail.com

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