12:00 AM, January 04, 2018 / LAST MODIFIED: 12:00 AM, January 04, 2018

Unlock your full potential with Rooh Afza

Rooh Afza is like nectar for the soul. The term “Rooh” translates to the soul or spirit in Arabic, and “Afza” must mean something just as important. Invented in 1906 by some genius old guy who thought mixing herbs, fruits and vegetables together was a good idea, Rooh Afza has been a household name since your mom decided to shove it down your cold coffee guzzling mouth.

Have you ever tried to drink a glass of Rooh Afza instead of that morning poison you call coffee or tea? Of course you haven't. Why else were you not able to get into a public university? Even to this day, humans cannot comprehend what marvels Rooh Afza does to your body and look down upon it. That is why I'm here to put an end to it. For five days I drank a glass of Rooh Afza every day and transcended into a new dimension. Those of you who are laughing right now will buy a big red bottle by the time you're done reading this.

Day 1: The first glass rejuvenated me from the previous day of doing nothing. My body felt as light as a rickshaw puller with a skinny passenger. Is this the power of Ultra Afza? For the rest of the day my body acted like it wasn't affected by the formalin-injected food I ate all the time. I walked to class that was a journey of 3 kilometres without breaking a sweat. Take that, oldies who always talk about walking to school in some remote village.

Day 2: My hearing has regained its original prowess; before it was damaged by blaring horns from all four directions. Not only did it recover but it has gotten better as well. I could hear the couple next door arguing about when they would follow through with the divorce; they should probably do it fast so I can get better neighbours. My eavesdropping skill just got boosted. Now I can gossip about everyone around me like the true Bangladeshi I am, all thanks to Rooh Afza.

Day 3: The eyes, they see so much now. I looked out the window in search of any crime being committed and I saw a kid getting mugged about 50 metres away. I kept watching without doing anything like people usually do anyway. I've been running away from responsibilities my whole life, this was not a time to change that. I slowly drew the curtains and went on with my day.

Day 4: My mind has been unlocked. It's now intertwined with everyone's thoughts. I met up with my “friend” earlier today. I recommended that he start the Rooh Afza diet. He thanked me and told me that we should hang out more. His mind was saying otherwise. Inside he was thinking, “I hope he poisons himself drinking that.” This is the burden I have to bear. But that's okay, now I can find tRu fR3nDz who won't think anything bad about me even though I am filled with problems.

Day 5: All my chakra points have opened up. My third eye has awakened. The red liquid courses through my veins. Nothing can stop me from achieving the things I've dreamt about all this time. Now, time to go back to Facebook and see what wonderful things my friends are doing without the help of Rooh Afza.


Shoaib Ahmed Sayam tortures himself by watching fake sports and Vietnamese cartoons.

Send help at: fb.com/ooribabamama