How to Win a Breakup
Breakups aren't just two people splitting up, they are a monumental challenge. It's you versus your ex in an epic battle of who gets to look less broken. That is what's important, obviously. It's not crazy at all. Just follow through with the logical chain of events that ensure the win.
Reiterate who broke things off
While the news of your breakup starts spreading, be sure to add in the detail that it was indeed YOU who decided to end the relationship. Okay, sure, maybe he dumped you, but he did it for you, so that you could “blossom”, therefore, technically, it was you who broke up with him, right? Make sure people know that. Details don't matter. Key points, dear, key points.
Steal his pet
So your ex got away with stealing your heart and then “accidentally” breaking it because “it's better this way”? Well that's fantastic! Now, according to the moral “balance” that you have and your innate desire to be the personification of karma, you get to steal something of his. Grab his dog/cat/best friend and make it yours. Remember, in order to maintain karmic balance, whatever you take must be something with a beating heart.
Get a makeover
Cut off your hair, get tattoos, lose weight, scrape off your skin – anything to not be the person you were when you were with your ex. Anything to be “better”. Hide from mirrors and friends for long enough so that after you finally face yourself and them again, the image of you is significantly different. You don't have to be over it to look over it. Meanwhile, peek into your ex's routine, take satisfaction over the fact that he still has the same morning cereal and his perpetual look of frustration.
Collect rebounds like trophies
Make a list of all your rebounds – title that as “people that you could have.” Do anything to make that list grow. It's vital to ensure that this list is greater than that of people who got away. No, it's not considered “lowering your standards” when you date that sketchy person you swore you'd never date because it's for a cause. Quantity trumps quality in times of need. No one goes looking for gourmet meals during war.
After wanting to tear away every single hair on your head and trying to blindly follow through every bad advice flung your way, realise that you can't “win” a breakup. Recognising that might not be able to make you feel better but it's still a win in itself.