This Week's Horrorscope

ARIES

Hello, is it 2441139, Bella Bose, where is my shawarma?

TAURUS

O.P.A., O.P.A., where art thou? 



GEMINI

Least concerned of all my wishers are my well wishers because they know I am well when I am unwell, if that makes sense.



CANCER

Your name is not your identity.



LEO

Possession of a cat made the dog vomit. 



VIRGO

Be smort, not toit.



LIBRA

Nigeria is a nice country to visit. 



SCORPIO

Eons ago, you existed in the same universe.



SAGITTARIUS

Some people think you're smart, but think again.



CAPRICORN

Don't cross the road, don't be a chicken.



AQUARIUS

Assuming you know everything is not cool.



PISCES

Didn't I see you at that party last night?