This Week's Horrorscope

ARIES

A dumb camel once said, “Moo.” 



TAURUS

I forgot your address. Please text me. 



GEMINI

Welcome to the jungle. Now let's Rumble. 



CANCER

Please help, they won't let me out without money. 



LEO

No, I'm serious they're holding me at gunpoint. 



VIRGO

Now they're telling me they require 5 bottles of Joomba juice.    



LIBRA

I don't even know what that means.   



SCORPIO

Please send help. I shall not perish like this. 



SAGITTARIUS

Okay, I was just kidding. I'm okay. 



CAPRICORN

Time to elevate your body. No, seriously, get on the elevator. 



AQUARIUS

I am going to take a hammer and go “Snoot, Snoot!” 



PISCES

I said this a number of times and I'll say this again, don't touch the buck.