THIS WEEK'S HOROSCOPE
ARIES
Experience the phantom sensation of someone squeezing your hand suggestively.
TAURUS
You will cross an overbridge and realize that everything you ever needed had been on the other side.
GEMINI
Climate change is the reason the underside of your thigh sweats unseasonably.
CENCER
The men in your life will make you feel like Jodie Foster.
LEO
Strangers with doi in the middle of the night cannot be trusted.
VIRGO
Do not dip your sweet biscuit in life's Thai soup.
LIBRA
Is innuendo really innuendo if you don't know?
SCORPIO
Get inside this black bag I'll explain on the way.
SAGITTARIUS
I know what you use that shaving gel for.
CAPRICON
That's a senseless waste of good banana peels.
AQUARIUS
You kiss your mother with that mouth?
PISCES
Nothing of note will happen to you this week.
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