THIS WEEK'S HOROSCOPE
ARIES
There exists a pair of trousers that can fold itself into its own pocket in your future.
TAURUS
Never trust someone who suddenly gets urges to be Italian in the middle of the night.
GEMINI
Calling in your connections to alter the metric scale so you weigh less is just lazy.
CENCER
The Germans waited on you long enough. Give them bratwurst now!
LEO
Take photo. Then scan it. Then take a photo of that. Then scan again. Repeat ad infinitum.
VIRGO
If your company's insurance policy doesn't cover bear attacks then you can do better.
LIBRA
Some of you SHOUT fans are alright. Don't go to your newsstand next week.
SCORPIO
Memorise where you live in case the map you have tattooed to your belly disappears.
SAGITTARIUS
Increase production for bear attack insurance policies. The demand will skyrocket shortly.
CAPRICON
The hand that feeds you tastes much better than the stuff it's been feeding you.
AQUARIUS
Don't give your employees bear attack insurance. They don't have a union. You've got this.
PISCES
Throw away the key to your mouth. Only a prince with lockpicking skills can save you.
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