THIS WEEK'S HOROSCOPE
ARIES
You don't know my life. I've been to dark places. The lights in my attic don't work.
TAURUS
Men wear pants in every country except Scotland. What've they got to hide? Or show?
GEMINI
Poke a hole here and look through it to find the love of your life… your AFTER-life!
CENCER
Girls. They want carrot juice and but then you give them apple juice. What.
LEO
Buy a jacket with secret pockets. Remove said pockets and attach them to your pants.
VIRGO
Smirk at your pillow before fluffing it. Perhaps it will smirk back at you through its creases.
LIBRA
I fell in love with a Bengali man I met in Venice. But then he caught a pigeon and ate it.
SCORPIO
The chances of encountering Bane is very high this week. For you. Buy a backbrace. For you.
SAGITTARIUS
When the gates to heaven open for you, tip the doorman whichever way he leans.
CAPRICON
Dhaka Fiddles cultivates the hunger of starving pot-bellied men to make The Best Sauce.
AQUARIUS
Don't drink milk made back in the year 2005. That was a bad year for milk.
PISCES
Productivity will seep back into the lazy cracks of my life. My life. Not yours. Mine.
Comments