ARIES
You will wonder if the glass if half empty or full at length.

TAURUS
You will end up hopelessly stuck with your fingers tangled.

GEMINI
Your mother coddles you in your dreams and in real life.

CENCER
Ask for help. You need it. Alone, you're useless. It's true.

LEO
Inspiring! Wow! Really makes you think! Idonbilivit!

VIRGO
The time you failed a test in Class 1 will return to haunt you.

LIBRA
Ghosts of the past stole a Delorean and are out to get you!

SCORPIO
Cigarette smoke affects your future vision and present sight.

SAGITTARIUS
Let go of your pride, admit to being short and sit on a dictionary.

CAPRICON
Establish you're superior to circus animals by doing their tricks better.

AQUARIUS
"Oh yeah. That's right. Uh huh. So true." You'll say that.

PISCES
So you want horoscopes to be accurate, nice and truthful? Whaaaa-