The AWFUL People Awards | The Daily Star
12:00 AM, May 30, 2019 / LAST MODIFIED: 12:00 AM, May 30, 2019

The AWFUL People Awards

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the inaugural AWFUL People Awards, where I honour those without whom my life would not have been this entertaining.

Over the years, I have seen people being recognised and honoured for their contributions in film, television, science, arts, and so on. These people are immortalised through the work in their respective fields and their names are made known to the world. After seeing such awards being given year in year out, I realised that if I had the opportunity, I too would have hosted an award ceremony of some sort, to honour and celebrate the people who have played an important role in my life. So, with this idea implanted in my mind, I present to you, the first ever “Amazing and Wonderful People Awards” a.k.a. the AWFUL People Awards. 

Without further ado, let us proceed to the first award of the night.

Presenting to you, the award for the “Best Drama Series”. Our nominations are:

My entire friend circle

Each individual in this group has a thing for making a fuss out of the most trivial of matters. Making a mountain out of a molehill is what they do best. Given that most of us need to retake half of our courses, we can guarantee you more exciting and melodramatic seasons in the coming semesters.

That one club at my university

It is more of a clique than a club. The members there are busy invading their seniors’ private spaces with kisses and unrequited love. Nepotism is at an all-time high and the drama is as sweet as it can get. Tune in to the club’s general body meetings and events to experience the show for yourself.

My family

Their overzealous portrayal of almost every Indian soap opera available on TV is what brought them to this list. It is like a cross-over between the Marvel Cinematic Universe and Game of Thrones. It’s exactly what you’re thinking, it just doesn’t make any sense.

And the winner is—my entire friend circle! Congratulations to each and every one of you, and just like our hangouts, none of them have showed up here today so I will be taking this award on their behalf. I would like to thank everyone for their support. We are coming up with a spin-off titled, “S.N.A.K.E.S” soon, so do watch that as well.

Moving on to our next set of awards, the “Annoying Personality of the Year” and our nominations are:

Annoying kid at the movies

This kid ruined Avengers: Endgame for me and probably everyone else present at the movie theatre that day. His performance was breath-taking to say the least and the support he received from his co-actors i.e. his parents, was also something that came into everyone’s notice.

Spoiler man

It doesn’t get any worse than this. Our friendly neighbourhood spoiler man had quite a busy schedule this year as fan favourites like Avengers: Endgame and Game of Thrones hit our screens at the same time. His contribution in film, television, and boiling our blood cannot be ignored.

My cat, Frodo

She might be the cutest cat in the world but when it comes to dealing with humans, there is no one more vicious than her. Whether you are trying to get some sleep or have a meal, Frodo will always be there, watching you from a distance, purring menacingly.

And the winner—the annoying kid at the movies! Congratulations you son of a beautiful couple. Here is your award, you deserve it. Hope you continue to receive more of these in the near future, but for totally different reasons. 

The next category of awards is dedicated to those who leave the scene when you need them the most, kind of like the Last Airbender. This award is for the “Best Ditcher” and our nominees are:

Random ride sharing guy

This particular rider from the ride sharing platform Udhao accepted my request, called me to say that he will be arriving at the pickup point in under five minutes, only to make me wait for half an hour before cancelling the ride. Thank you for wasting thirty minutes of my life and for making me miss an 8 AM class. Hope it made you happier than receiving those five virtual stars you needed to make yourself feel a little less miserable. 

My entire friend circle

My friend circle makes the list for the second time this evening as they always end up leaving me out of our hangouts. Their absence tonight is symbolic as well. Maybe the coming seasons will decide whether they really want me as their friend or not. 

And the winner is, once again—my entire friend circle! Congratulations to my friends on their second award of the night. Ditching is a form of art that takes skill and precision to grasp, and seems that you lot have managed to master this art in the shortest time possible. Good for you. Can I get a treat now?

Our next AWFUL is for the “Best Display of Patience” and the nominees tonight are:

My university professors

I know I am not a smart egg and certainly not the fastest learner. Despite that, it gives me immense joy to have people like you guide me through my university life.

My parents

Your only child is a master procrastinator, who eats nothing but junk food and lives off of internet memes. Thank you for your patience.

Myself

From slow internet to never ending traffic jams, I have gone through it all. Surviving all this requires an immense level of patience, which I have managed to display no matter how tough the situation gets. 

And the winner is, or rather the winners are—my parents! Thank you for making me who I am today. This award is the physical proof that you have a worthless son at your disposal.

Finally, we have arrived at the last award category for the season. This award is rather common, something that you will see in almost any other award show related to movies or television. It is time for the “Best Actor” award. And the nominees are:

My best friend

Of all the friends I have ever had, you were by far the most pretentious one. Great unscripted acting and a performance that we shall remember forever. You are a thespian, a method actor.

That shopkeeper from the Trade Fair

With his incredible acting skills, our unfair shopkeeper from the Trade Fair can fool even the wisest of people by making them believe that he knows it all when it comes to cooking utensils.

Myself

Despite everything falling apart in life, I pretend that everything is fine and not on fire. Even as things continue to go downhill for me, I still have that “nothing’s wrong, everything is fine” face stitched on my head.

The best actor award goes to *drumroll*—me! Thank you everyone for honouring me with this award. I could not have done it if it wasn’t for all of you. You bring out the worst in me and hence, allow me to achieve accolades like this.

Ladies and gentlemen, that’s all for this edition of the AWFUL Awards. We hope you have enjoyed the show. We’ll see you again next year.

For our in-house entertainment tonight, we have a wide range of musical performances featuring some of the hottest bands in town including Seizure at the Bijoy Sarani Signal, Five Seconds too Late for Attendance, My Chemical Diet, and Elachi in My Biriyani.

 

Faisal wants to be the very best, like no one ever was. To survive university is his real test, to graduate is his cause. Send him memes and motivation at abir.afc@gmail.com

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