Cutting trees to make way for air

In a bid to help citizens during the ongoing heatwave, the Dhoka South Town Corporation has launched a tree-cutting drive across the southern parts of the capital.

Although experts and environmentalists have opposed the move for their nonsensical reasons based on fictitious science, the Dhoka South Mayor Faposh Dhur provided ironclad logic and reasons for the drive.

Speaking to this correspondent, the charming mayor said, "See, the capital is like a jungle. Too many trees everywhere. They are occupying too much space and this is resulting in low amounts of air and wind. We need bigger spaces for air and wind to pass through, and cutting the trees will give us that space."

About the "beautification" reason given by the authorities, he said, "It's true. Who needs green everywhere? It's not even a pretty colour. Have you studied colour theory? Green is known to be the colour of jealousy. Are we a jealous city? No. 

"The northern mayor probably likes ugly things. His side of the city will not be as beautiful as my side. They can rot in hell with their trees and lack of air and wind. The south shall rise again!"

"Let's just say, we are not only helping humanity, we are also making the city much prettier. I believe in the colours brown and grey, so the innumerable concrete buildings, the dirt, and dust are all contributing beautifully to our purpose. I also believe in diversity in colour, and if you want green, you can find shades of it in the drains, which are left open for your viewing pleasure."

Meanwhile, protests have been going on across the city as environmentalists are claiming that the cutting of trees will have adverse impacts on the atmosphere.

Regarding that, Dhur said, "Who are these 'environmentalists'? If they know so much, why couldn't they be mayor? They only know science and science is the least of our concerns. Do they have logic as strong as mine? They want the city to be cooler. How will it be cooler without the space for air and wind? And where will that space come from if there are so many trees surrounding us? Did they ever ask themselves these questions?"

Asked about the "environmentalists" comments that trees help keep the temperature down through providing shade and evapotranspiration, he further said, "Hah! Evapotranspiration? You see what I mean about all this pseudo-science. These people just make up words. And anyway, what shade does a tree provide? So much light comes through the leaves. But when you make buildings, they provide so much better shade, and when you go inside, you get air conditioning – cooler air, meaning not global 'warming' but global 'cooling' inside your own flats!."

Meanwhile, Dhoka North Town Corporation has decided to plant two lakh trees in areas under its jurisdiction, upon its mayor's directives. The reason given by the mayor was that he too was helping citizens tackle the heatwave.

About these vastly different approaches, Faposh said, "The northern mayor probably likes ugly things. His side of the city will not be as beautiful as my side. They can rot in hell with their trees and lack of air and wind. The south shall rise again!"