When love is all that matters
Nina and Sameer met in college in the US. Sameer had just returned from a Study Abroad Programme in Italy and was in his senior year when he met Nina at a college dance and the two got talking because both found the disco theme and dance moves too much to handle. Soon they were seen around campus holding hands and deeply immersed in conversations.
Before the semester was over they were head over heels in love with each other. Time seemed to fly away for them and as the magical nights of spring slowly gave away to hot summer days when everyone was busy making plans for the longest vacation of the year. One to jump onto the next available flight home at soon as the semester ended, Sameer made an exception that year. With Nina in tow, he decided to explore the ruins of ancient Greek civilisations in Greece, shocking and alarming his family back home.
He proposed at the end of the trip and Nina accepted. They were happy for a while till reality intervened. As soon as Sameer's family got whiff of this fledgling relationship, his parents descended in person to “knock some sense into Sameer's head, and fix his wayward ways.” The thing is, Sameer is a Bangladeshi Muslim from a conservative family, and Nina is a Protestant Canadian. There was trouble in paradise.
Welcome to the world of interfaith/interracial marriages, where love and affection abound, regardless of a difference of race or religion. By definition, marriage between two people from different religious backgrounds is an interfaith marriage, and one with different racial backgrounds is an interracial marriage.
Typically, such marriages are associated with various social stigmas, prejudices and are predisposed by the society at large to be a failure in the long run. Some societies and cultures consider it a taboo. However there is a definite room for argument in this matter.
We all know that there are two sides of a coin; the good and the bad. An interfaith/interracial marriage may be difficult to work because two people from entirely distinct backgrounds are put together. There may be issues about ways of life, religious beliefs, food habits, behavioural patterns and many more.
Certain cultural practices may be acceptable and a way of life to one but completely abhorrent to another. But it would be remiss to think that such issues don't arise in marriages between people from similar backgrounds. Mutual love and respect are the cornerstones of any marriage (as many seasoned veterans will swear) and couples who have them in abundance are more likely to make things work than others.
On a cultural front it is more complicated. Human beings are social animals, and we have to exist in a societal structure. For a society such as ours where there is little respect for one's privacy, couples may experience difficulties that are likely to take a toll on their relationship.
When Sameer's parents went to the US to bring him back, the main reason was that they feared the reaction of the society. So did Nina's parents. However Sameer and Nina were adamant to make things work, and in the end the parents relented. They got married after graduation and returned home to Dhaka and that's when the real test began.
Constant insinuations, judgmental behaviour towards Nina and gossiping by near and extended families left them harrowed and tired. Eventually they returned to the US and started a new life away from all the constraints.
While some of the aforementioned issues still plague our minds and psyche regarding such sensitive matters, times have changed for the better. In terms of Bangladeshi society things have certainly taken a positive turn.
Many of us have that relative who went abroad and married someone from a different race and faith, and was told to stay away from the family. I remember overhearing an elderly man once at a party years ago referring to his son as a “case of one bad apple ruining the whole basket” when the son married an English woman while abroad and was disowned by his father.
He went on boasting about how he had made it clear to the son that his family loathed and despised him for marrying a girl from another religion. The last snippet of this conversation was him stressing on the virtues of keeping such bad apples away as he had three more sons and feared further transgression if the “other son” was around them!
But things have changed a great deal. When Nameerah met David and fell in love, they decided to get married. It wasn't easy as Nameerah was a Bangladeshi Muslim and David a Christian American. While Nameerah's family is settled in the US for many years, they still live in a tight-knit, Bengali community. There was a lot of scepticism from both ends, needless to say.
In Nameerah's own words, “initially both families were extremely sceptical and worried for each of us because they thought that our decision would make it incredibly difficult for both our futures and future generation. One very specific example I particularly remember, my father had a huge concern that I will abandon my religious upbringing. Therefore, if I didn't marry a Muslim, my children would never follow Islam.
Similarly, David's family was concerned that if we decided to have children and not raise them in any particular religion, they would somehow lack a true identity.
”In addition, David's parents were hesitant because they were very misinformed about our culture and religion and those negative perceptions made them fearful of how the culture would impact (or even possibly change) their son.”
Now that they have a baby both Nameerah and David have a liberal and balanced attitude towards raising little Levin.
“We intend to teach our son about both cultures and religions that we were brought up with. We will celebrate Christmas and Eid. We will teach Levin to speak Bangla and to enjoy authentic Bangladeshi food, in addition to all the typical American dishes. Plain and simple, we want to teach him that no one side is better than the other. We are all God's children and He sent us into this world to love and cherish one another as equals.”
When asked about how the parents and Bengali and American communities reacted, Nameerah and David reminisced that their parents were very concerned about what their friends and family would say and how they'd react.
She assured them that “it doesn't matter to me what they think, I need to know that you trust me with my decision and give me a chance to prove to you that I'm not making a mistake. Once you give me your blessing, I assure you no one will care or would dare to say anything against us because you accepted. At the end, community reacts the way you would react.” I look back at what I had said and I stayed true to my words and I am so happy to say that I was right. Everyone was overwhelmingly wonderful to my husband and nothing else at that moment mattered to me.
In the American culture, we still face challenges. For the most part, since we live in a diverse urban community, interracial relationships are quite common, and most people are very open-minded, well educated, and very accepting. However, in the more rural and suburban areas, people can still be very ignorant”.
In the end the parents agreed because they put their children's happiness above all else. According to David, love and mutual respect for each other's tradition and culture played a big role in making their marriage a success. In Nameerah's own words, “The biggest challenge was to make sure that we incorporated the most important cultural and religious traditions from both of our backgrounds. This was an incredibly difficult task but on the flip side, we both learned a lot about our own and each other's cultures. At the end, it all came together beautifully and we knew at that moment, that we made the right decision and anything is possible. Somehow, we actually made our parents happy. To see the smiles on their faces was truly priceless.”
Life is a long journey that cannot be lived alone. In order to have a smooth sailing we all need that one person who will be there for us through thick and thin, love for us for who we are. Sometimes that one person may be different in some way, but marriages are based on a strong foundation of love, honour and mutual respect. If you know your partner will shower you with all three, be sure to hold on to him or her, regardless of race or religion!
Photo: Tanvir Murad Topu
Names of interviewees have been changed to conceal their identity.
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