What If Whales And Dolphins Had Human Rights?

As recently as February 2012 the American Association for the Advancement of Science (AAAS) met in Vancouver to present a Declaration of Rights for Cetaceans, following-up on the work of a similar conference held in 2010 at Helsinki. The Declaration 'affirm[s] that that all cetaceans as persons have the right to life, liberty and wellbeing.'
A brief moment of incomprehension can create hilarity. When the topic of whale-and-dolphin rights was raised at the weekly Rising Stars meeting the general reaction was (of course), 'What, like education and gender equality?' Which does make you wonder what a whale or dolphin would do if it got human rights.
For starters you'd have to let our blubbery friends actually know that they have rights, which is hard as we don't speak in high-pitched clicking noises. To bridge the language gap we'd have to invest years and billions of dollars worth of research into inter-species translation technology, or we could simply invite Aquaman up here. He'd be happy to translate for us if he can take some time off from his busy schedule of Doing Aquaman Things.
It'd go something like this:
Aquaman would say to them, 'Brethren of the deep! From henceforth it is your inalienable privilege to be able to speak your minds without censorship, to worship and fearlessly think deep thoughts! No man may imprison you, no man may torture you! No man may deny your birthright to education and learning, to a fair trial, or to free trade!'
After giving the brethren of the deep time to process all this and respond, Aquaman would turn to the expectant Cetacean Rights Committee and say, 'They're asking if it's okay if they enslave and torture one another then.'
'No, no one tortures anyone!'
'It's just that dolphins are really cruel bastards.'
The horrified committee would then demand an explanation, and Aquaman would help them out. 'Well, gangs of male dolphins sometimes isolate a single female and deny her food until she caves in and lets them have their way with her.'
The prospect of actually having to jail cetaceans for violating their own rights would perplex the committee. 'Right! If there's any more of that from now on we'll lock the perverts up!'
This would then raise the problem of explaining to the assembled cetaceans the concepts of 'prison', 'lawyers' and 'billable hours'. The last would also involve the difficulty of explaining currency: eventually barnacles would be accepted as legal tender. This would bring the underwater economy firmly into the hands of the whales, with the Grey Whales becoming fabulously rich. They would use their wealth to purchase the very finest plankton, hire the best crews to scrub the barnacles off their backs. Some would wear huge chains that say things like, 'BIG FLIPPZ' and 'PHATBLUBBA'.
However, this uneven distribution of wealth would lead to an increase in crime. Desperate gangs of young dolphins and orcas with nothing to lose would hold up rich old whales and scrape all the barnacles off with their teeth. The whales would then spend their barnacles to employ bodyguards, the very richest hiring human protectors in boats and torpedo-armed submarines.
As the seas become a free-for-all of gang violence and conspicuous consumption, Aquaman would scratch his Atlantean beard and ask the Cetacean Rights Committee if it was worth it after all.