Selling Yourself for Salami

Photo: Kazi Tahsin Agaz

Eid salami is like trick-or-treat for us Muslims. Unlike our western counterparts, we don't have to settle for diabetes; instead, we get money! Who doesn't love that? It's like we're bankers for a day, leeching without remorse off those who work 9 to 5. But such a lucrative deal obviously involves a competitive market. Here are four points that will give you an edge over any of your cousins, friends or siblings.
Wear Appropriate Clothes
There's a reason why business executives don't look like punk rockers. Would you be willing to invest in a venture which involves a man with a pink mohawk and a leather vest? Wear a panjabi or a dress that reminds your parents and older relatives of you when you were five years old. The “bhodro chhele/meye” look always works.
Pro-tip for the ladies: if your dress, in any way, has the words “Sunny” and “Leone” involved, it's not a good idea to wear that in front of anyone, let alone your grandparents.
Get a Nice Haircut
I actually did some research at this point. I printed a picture of the footballer Neymar and one of Lionel Messi. I asked old non-football fans who they'd be willing to pay more salami to, Lionel Messi won 9/10 times. The only time Neymar won was because he made my father laugh for 10 minutes straight. Remember, not everyone is blessed with a sense of humour. If you're a girl, the same rules apply. Don't cut your hair brutally short right before Eid. The stereotypical Bengali mind hates women with short hair.
Throw Your Sales Pitch
Did you receive a Daily Star Award this summer? No? We all know you at least managed an A in Bangla at some point in your life. Use that to your advantage. When a potential client asks how your studies are going, don't say “good,” say that you are writing a research paper on Tagore's “Golpo Gucchho” at your leisure. Everyone likes to invest in an intellectual. Just make sure that you don't come across as a pseudo-intellectual.
Be Nice Throughout Ramadan
It might be too late for that but it's not too late for a “revelation”. Do a complete U-turn and start doing everything your parents tell you to. Study 3 hours a day because you just realised that you want to live “The Bangladeshi Dream” and go to University of Toronto for undergrads. Listen to every word your parents say; show interest in your dad's fiscal chart of his business. Be exactly like the kid you bully for not having a Facebook account. Remember, if you don't do these, someone else will and you will miss your slice of the cake.

Note: I will not be held responsible for creating a new generation of twisted psychopaths trying to sell their souls for money (AKA copywriters).