RS is Dead, Long Live RS
HOBOS carrying End of the World placards are usually ignored and rarely asked for proof of the end being nigh. While I do not claim the world is ending (2012 was a terrible, terrible movie) or even close to ending, I will provide definitive proof of the string of events that led to your favourite teenage magazine shutting down.
The carefully orchestrated downfall of The Rising Stars can be traced back to the hiring of a long haired buffoon who claimed to be an expert in music, books, bass guitars and hairclips among other feminine utensils. At his interview he mumbled something about his long hair giving him unprecedented knowledge of the world of rockstars and rock music. Naturally, he was given the responsibility of album reviews.
On May 23rd, 2013, the RS anniversary issue highlighted the most glaring mistakes it had made in recent times. The long haired ape, now in a position of power as the sub-editor of the paper (and someone who is reading through this right now and intends to take revenge), put up a remarkable show and tried to get his name scratched off the piece, as it mentioned in detail how he had “mistakenly” put Steven Tyler (originally of Aerosmith fame) in AC/DC as the frontman of the legendary Australian band.
Not two days after, the Daily Star was contacted by Steven Tyler's lawyer, seeking to press defamation charges against the paper for the original case of the misplaced rockstar. The email that was sent went into great detail about Tyler's flowing mane of beautifully maintained hair, and explained that the defamatory lawsuit was because Tyler was offended at being mistaken for a “short, fat, balding English teacup with a raspy voice who had no right to be a rockstar.”
The Daily Star, ill-equipped to fight the case (because lawyers are expensive, dammit), eventually lost the case and lost a whole lot of money that could have been avoided if they had hired a half decent lawyer in the first place. Now operating at a loss, the struggling paper took vengeance on the one little “mistake” that had cost it its profitability. The Rising Stars was history from that moment on.
A few weeks before this piece was written, Hollywood's notorious TMZ ran an exclusive scoop on Steven Tyler meeting a lumbering, ape like person that they thought to be his mistress at first, since Tyler was handing him an envelope filled with what was surely a bundle of cash. Later, the tabloid media receded their statements about the person being Tyler's mistress based on the copious amounts of arm hair as evidenced in the pictures. It was, in fact, none other than the (ex) sub-editor of The Rising Stars. Conspiracy? I think so.
The why is lost on me. Obviously, the monetary incentive was there, but I suspect a global movement of long haired men trying to bring the corporate world to its knees. Our ex sub-editor and Steven Tyler can only be connected if they are part of this vicious cult of long haired musicians whose motives are unclear. We must be vigilant. We must put a stop to these shampoo loving “men” waging secret wars because of their misguided ideals and robbing us of all that we hold dear.
Never forget.
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