A drop of kindness

Some years ago, I was taking a leisurely walk in a park when I noticed a middle-aged woman sitting on a bench, crying. She was actually sobbing. I paused for a few moments wondering whether I should ask her if she needed any help. But I was scared of being snapped at or, even worse, of being regarded with suspicion by people around me. I chose to continue with my walk.
Each time I recall the incident I am overcome with a feeling of remorse. The question is: Why are we friendly, even helpful, to people we meet at a social level and at the same time extremely wary of the many strangers that we share our city or neighbourhood with? We hesitate to reach out to them and often treat them with a measured indifference. I admit that a few unsavoury experiences may have eroded our trust base, but must we let that destroy the spirit of bonhomie that we could create by treating people with more compassion, respect and understanding?
The nonchalant attitude towards strangers is partially a fall-out of the accentuated sense of privacy and "go-it-alone culture" that are part of the modern lifestyle. According to sociologists who study group behaviour, more people prefer to live alone today than 50 or even 20 years ago. Even people living in nuclear families tend to keep their private lives shielded from the intrusion of acquaintances and neighbours.
This is not just a western phenomenon. During my annual visits to Dhaka I hardly make an effort to interact with people living next door or a seemingly friendly co-walker in the park. Neither is there any overt interest on the part of my neighbours to communicate with me. In contrast, I vividly remember the occasion when my father came home from one of his morning walks accompanied by a total stranger .... they chatted, laughed, and ended up sharing Sunday breakfast. The gentleman eventually became a close family friend. I cannot remember ever sharing a convivial discussion, let alone a meal, with a person I befriended in a public place!
A negative fallout of this drift toward individualism is that we have become less civil and sensitive to our fellow human beings. Because we have isolated ourselves from humane interactions, except for a close group of relatives and friends, it is easier for us to treat others with insouciance. The impatient honkers in cars, swearing customers in shopping centres, shoving passers by in city streets and the racist and anti-feminist "trolling" on twitter have now become part of our daily routine. There was a time when people took pride in a society or a community that treated everyone with respect and consideration. Today, achievements are mostly measured in terms of individual gains. Altruism is seldom rewarded -- it may even be perceived as a weakness.
My belief that the culture of civility is on the decline may be partly the result of nostalgia about the good old "genteel" days. However, what I can assert with a degree of certainty is that today people are more rushed and stressed out and opportunities for deep interactions are limited. At the same time, the social media is making it easier for "loners" to be connected to the world. Most people may mistrust a stranger they encounter in a bus but they are quite comfortable sharing the minutest details of their lives with "virtual" friends in Facebook or Twitter!
But all is not lost. There are those rare instances of sharing and kindness that may give us reason to be optimistic. The other day my husband and I drove to downtown DC to watch a movie. After a prolonged search we found a parking space but discovered that we didn't have enough coins for the parking meter. To fetch change from a nearby store would have meant missing the first few minutes of the film. A young woman pulling out her car from the space next to us saw me rummaging through my purse. She asked how much I needed and gave me some quarters. When I offered her dollar bills in exchange she politely refused and drove off.
The incident reminded me of the sobbing woman in the park -- I could have helped her or at least held her hand for a while. The fact that I didn't has gnawed at my conscience for years. It still does. The small gesture of empathy from the young woman made me realise that kindness should not be rationalised, neither is it a calculated act. And, it need not be rewarded -- because the reward of kindness is "feeling good about oneself."

The writer is a renowned Rabindra Sangeet exponent and a former employee of the World Bank. E-mail: [email protected]