Asian fathers and the mystery of nappies

DID you see that article in the newspaper, which said that the average Asian man spends one minute a day with his children?
I was shocked at that. I mean, a whole minute? Every day?
No way. Get real. Once a week maybe. At the risk of being controversial, it must be acknowledged that many Asian males are frankly terrible at kid-related things. And I should know. I am one.
So was my father. In fact, almost every direct male ancestor of mine has been an Asian father, and male. What are the odds of that?
And we have to admit, like it or not, we are pretty hopeless at all this child-rearing stuff. It just doesn't come naturally. Of course I am generalising outrageously, but hey, I'm a columnist. That's what we do.
Yet this claim is based on accurate observation. I have evidence. I know men who give their children numbers as names, to help them get them in the right order. Combine this with the fact that some Asian names are homonyms of numbers anyway, and you get amazing results.
I remember meeting a Hong Kong boy named Three Five (Sam Ng) and a girl called Two Six (Ah-Yee Lok). If they got married, they would be Mr. and Mrs. Sixty-One.
Here are my personal observations of the difference between how Asian mums and Asian dads handle children.
Asian Mums: Know exactly what children like to eat.
Asian Dads: Will try to feed the baby chilli sauce.
Asian Mums: Can change a nappy with one hand.
Asian Dads: "A nappy is what?"
Asian Mums: Will know the right questions to ask the children's teacher.
Asian Dads: Will ask the teacher for a discount on school fees.
Asian Mums: Will give the child age-appropriate birthday gifts.
Asian Dads: Will give a DVD of "Friday 13th" to a toddler.
Asian Mums: Will play Snap and let the child win.
Asian Dads: Will challenge the kid to poker and beat the pants off him.
Asian Mums: Know the names of their kids' teachers, best friends and crushes.
Asian Dads: Are vaguely aware that there are short people sleeping in the apartment.
Asian Mums: Select toys on the basis of their educational value.
Asian Dads: Steal the kids' toys and take them to work to play with.
Asian Mums: Know the names and nicknames of all the children in the building.
Asian Dads: Occasionally refer to "the fat one," "the one with the ears" and "the ugly one."
Asian Mums: Will buy healthy fresh food at the market every day.
Asian Dads: Will only go shopping when there's nothing left in the fridge except a jar of capers and a bay leaf.
Asian Mums: Will dress the child in clothes appropriate to the occasion.
Asian Dads: Will thrust youngest daughter into a flouncy white princess dress to go on a swamp march.
Asian Mums: Will make sure the kids use the toilet before going out.
Asian Dads: Will forget to do this, and will look to the nearest woman for help when a problem becomes apparent.
Yes, although some of us eventually learn good parenting skills, in general, Asian dads can be awful parents. Almost as bad as non-Asian dads. But don't get me started on that one.

Dads can complain to our columnist via his website at www.vittachi.com.