New words for a new age

TODAY IS THE ANNIVERSARY of the discovery of the planet Uranus. I'll never forget the time I was asked in front of a school audience to name the seventh planet, and I pronounced it in a way that give rise to much sniggering among the schoolboys.
Sadly, it was only much later that a reader informed me that the man who discovered Uranus actually wanted it to be called (this is not a joke) George, and insisted on using that name for it until his death. Someone else called it Uranus, giving generations of children a reason to smirk at their teachers.
Talking of coined words, I really feel the English language just doesn't have enough terms for all the new things it needs to describe these days.
So I sat down with some regular contributors to this column and came up with the following suggestions for brand new words which are desperately needed:
Abdomoan: The strange whining noises that come from your stomach when you're doing the Atkins no-carbs diet.
Abracandalabra: The technique of adding candlesticks to the table to make dinner magically romantic.
Abriefiated: A description of your outfit after customs officers have made you strip to your briefs.
Absolescence: Teenage ability to make any adolescent trend instantly out of date, as in: "That's so ten minutes ago."
Chickweed: Slim, pastel-colored cigarettes marketed for young women.
Chimpansy: The male monkey who sits in the corner of the cage, refuses to wrestle for supremacy with the alpha male apes, and spends his time doing another chimp's hair.
Crushtasian: Getting into overcrowded public transport in Asia and feeling like a tinned prawn.
D'ohrivative: Catchphrase or cartoon style copied from The Simpsons.
Feedelity: Loyalty displayed by stray cats who assemble on the street corner at the same time every day to be fed by a mad cat lady. This term can also be used for teenagers who never emerge from their rooms except at feeding time.
Feetal position: The way your suffering toes curl under when there's snow on your shoes.
Fidociary: A dog owner's duty to set aside money to provide for his pet.
G'iggello: Men you can hire to come to your house and laugh at your jokes.
Hegemoney: Acting like you rule the world purely because you are a rich country.
Macademia: The world of Scottish universities.
Paradime: A so-called revolutionary concept that's actually a worthless cliché.
Protagony: The certainty that the main character in any story is going to suffer.
Schwaltz: Sentimental orchestral theme that rises to a crescendo at the climax of movies for women.
Sermoney: Cash raised by religious message designed to lay on the guilt.
Shoestopper: Poorly chosen song that embarrasses the DJ as everyone flees the dance floor.
Statistickle: Using a quick, un-sourced statistic to liven up a weak argument.
Subpriminals: Villainous bankers who fouled up the US mortgage system.
Untourage: Invisible, plain-clothes guards that surround really, really famous people.
Verbaiting: When a woman and a man argue and the woman quotes word-for-word something she remembers the man said weeks, months or years ago.
Wilocity: Speed at which hitherto unknown relatives appear when a rich person's will is about to be read.
Want to add to this list? Send me your suggestions and they'll be included in a follow-up column.

Tomorrow: 16 remarkable ways Asia has changed

Visit Nury at www.vittachi.com to donate new, unused words to the needy