New look for New York

Osama Bin Laden is building a 100-story terrorist training school at the former World Trade Center site in New York. The Jihad Towers (see pic) will be topped with a flashing banner saying: "Learn to kill infidels here."
That's what a Muslim friend told me as he took me to try out a new Taiwanese "jelly bubble coffee" shop.
I was highly skeptical, as you can imagine. "I don't believe one word of it," I said. "No way will jelly, bubbles and coffee form a palatable beverage for the discerning consumer." I was wrong. It was good. No wonder Taiwanese drink shops are spreading around the world.
As for the setting up of a terrorist centre at Ground Zero, my friend said a buddy of his had seen it on US television news. "The terrorists were invited to New York by the liberal media," he added. Aha! That gave me the clue I needed. "Your buddy was taken in by Newt Gingrich," I said.
You gotta admire this guy Newt. Despite having the looks and intellectual/ethical capacity of the slimy water lizard after which he is named, he gets his absurd claims broadcast internationally. In fact, Newt is pretty much a one-man argument against having a free press. The governments of China and Singapore ought to pay him a fee. They probably do.
White House staff are right now working overtime to correct a belief among followers of Mr. Gingrich that US President Barack Obama is (a) a Muslim; (b) born outside the US; and (c) an alien life-form sent to infiltrate earthling society.
My advice to Mr Obama's people: Don't fight it. If people think Obama is a Muslim, he'll get 1.1 billion extra fans right where he needs them -- in Asia and the Middle East.
If people think Obama is not American, he'll get a boost among literally billions of Earth citizens who have been turned off that country.
And if people think he is an alien life-form sent to infiltrate earth, folk with under-sized brains (like small children, nematodes and followers of Mr. Gingrich) will think he is "way cool."
Of course, there's always the chance that Mr. Gingrich may be right. Mr Obama's achievements are suspiciously superhuman. The guy won the Nobel Prize without getting out of bed.
People have been trying to pass the healthcare and financial regulation bills since the dawn of man, 3.5 million years ago. Obama got them both passed on the same day.
Obama has other suspiciously non-human traits. He doesn't like ice cream, rarely takes alcohol and never drinks coffee. When he needs energy, he eats a mystery rectangular snack. Staff claim they are energy bars, but they look to me like small slabs of kryptonite.
My files say people have over the past 12 months alleged that Obama is (a) an alien; (b) a superhero; (c) Jesus returned to earth; or (d) the Antichrist. No, wait. Those are the comments on my work appraisal form.
But let's all remember; life is so weird these days that nothing can be beyond belief.
Even the fact that jelly bubble coffee tastes good. Try some.

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