Highlights of 2009

THANK goodness 2009 is over. What a year that was. What was your most memorable moment?
My colleague Eddie said, "My worst moment was when I learned that the family name of swindler Bernie Madoff was pronounced 'Made-Off,' as in 'Bernie Made Off With Your Savings.' This made me worry about my own savings, which are parked with investment advisors named Bob Flybynight and Dave Crook."
It took me only ten minutes to realise that Eddie had made a joke. What a pair of totally sharp guys we are. But his comment did inspire me to dredge up the year's more remarkable incidents.
It was the year in which singer Michael Jackson died after a losing a thirty-year battle with a very nasty disease called Excessive Weirdness.
It was a year in which tens of thousands of people worrying about how airplane flights were damaging the climate decided to take action by flying to Copenhagen, which is apparently a place, although I always thought it was a brand of ice cream.
It was the year in which Sarah Palin had a professional ghostwriter write a book for her, setting off furious media speculation that she will soon hire a professional reader to read it to her.
It was the year in which panicking Hong Kong authorities sealed off a hotel full of guests for a week, before learning that swine flu caused less long-term damage than watching 20 minutes of High School Musical.
It was the year in which the Nobel Peace Prize committee changed their criteria for winning the prize to a single requirement: "Candidate must be a way cool dude." I was thrilled. Finally I'm in the running.
It was the year in which a pair of gatecrashers got into President Obama's private party, causing every columnist in the world to criticise them in an outraged tone of voice while secretly wanting to learn how they did it. (If Tariq or Michaele Salahi is reading this, please email me. I can offer you exclusive Hello Kitty souvenirs.)
It was the year in which the American car industry showed itself to the world's worst managed transport business, and the Somali piracy operation was revealed to be the best.
It was the year in which bankers lost their jobs and had to eke out a humble living on their massive bonuses, inspiring the movie Slumdog Millionaire. Sacked bankers were astonished by the level of public sympathy they received (none).
It was an unforgettable year which will be remembered as the only 2009 in the whole of recorded history.
Thank God.

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