Bittersweet symphony . . .

As Faria came out of her room she was still making a last ditch effort to dry off her hair with the towel. She caught a glance of Nathan. Still in his pajamas, he was helping himself to a cup of coffee. He looked so innocent yet mischievous with his evil grin.
She tossed her towel at him playfully. "Deal with this lover boy, I'm off." As she reached for her bag in the closet he came up from behind and spread his arms across her waist showering kisses on her damp hair and neck. "Not so fast, you self glorified feminist. Not before you give me some sweet talk. I've slaved all morning serving you breakfast." To which she turned, determined to say something in return to defend her feminist pride, but she lost herself in the mist of his blue eyes.
How can I tell him? How can I leave him?
Tearing her gaze from him, she threw on her coat. Vaguely remembering the cold weather forecast, she fished the worn leather gloves out of the pockets. Something fell to the floor and Nathan reached down to pick it up. He glanced at it casually and began handing it to her, then did a double take.
"What is this?"
Horrified, she saw that Nathan was holding the pamphlet she had picked up at the clinic all those weeks ago and then stuffed in a pocket and forgotten. She grabbed it from him and crammed it into her bag between layers of books, while searching furiously for a possible explanation.
Too late, she realized her reaction had already given her away. There was not just a single conclusion he could draw from finding this brochure in her belongings. For all he knew it could be a piece of junk mail.
She tried to shrug it off. "Nothing. Just a pamphlet I picked up somewhere. You know. Something to read in the dentist's waiting room."
Nathan's eyebrows were drawn together in a frown. "Don't lie to me. You're practically radiating guilt. Is this your big secret, Faria? You are going to have a baby by a sperm donor?"
"Don't be ridiculous," she said, trying to laugh it off. "Of course not. I told you, it's just a piece of junk mail I picked up somewhere."
"You are a lousy liar, Faria." Nathan reached into her open bag and yanked the pamphlet out. His jaws were clenched as he held it out of her reach. "New Life Clinic," he read aloud. "Sperm donation: Have the baby you never thought you would have."
"Give me that!" The paper ripped as she grabbed the pamphlet from him for the second time. "It's none of you business."
"I'm making it my business! I can't believe this, Faria! I can't believe that you are actually going to have a child by some anonymous father!"
"He is not that anonymous," she snapped, ignoring for the moment that there were five possible fathers. "I know his statistics, down to his shoe size and his IQ. He will provide fine genes for my baby."
"He will provide fine genes for your baby?"
She'd thought her words sounded so sophisticated, but when they were reflected back at her in that deep, disbelieving baritone they sounded plain stupid.
"When is this supposed to happen?" He looked her over. "You're not pregnant now, are you?"
The horror in his eyes was all too visible.
"That's none of your business."
"I need to know, Faria. Tell me. Are you pregnant already?"
Before her unwillingness to answer could stop her, she had shaken her head in denial.
Nathan drew a deep breath, "OK. When did you plan to do this?"
"Soon."
"What does your family say about this?"
"They don't know," she muttered. "They'll never know. I will tell them the father is out of the picture."
Silence as she looked up. "You won't tell them, would you?" she asked, uneasy about the unreadable look on his face.
"You're only twenty seven. It seems a bit soon to have given up hope already of finding someone to father your children."
She turned away from him, "I don't know why I'm discussing this with you, anyway. It's none of your business who fathers my children."
Nathan drew in a sharp breath. Faria jumped as he slammed his fist against the door. "Isn't it? What about us, Faria? Did you ever consider how I would feel about this? Were you ever going to tell me?"
Tears clouded her vision as she tried to answer but her voice wouldn't obey. She leaned against the wall feeling exhausted.
Nathan shook his head in a violent move and scowled at her. Never before had she seen such coldness in his eyes.
"You weren't, were you? You were never serious about us. About me. You never meant our relationship to go anywhere."
"Come on, Nathan." Her voice was weak, and she straightened, trying to get a grip on herself. "It's not like you were serious yourself. And I told you there couldn't be anything between us. You make it sound like I was just using you."
"Weren't you?" Weren't you just having fun, a fling before you settled down with your fatherless baby?"
"No," she cried. "I was…"
She wrapped her arms around herself, suddenly cold.
"I told you it couldn't happen. And we're not even lovers, Nathan. There was no fling. There is no us." Gazes clashed and held. She made one last desperate attempt to convince him. "It's not as if you're in love with me. Are you?"
Silence.
"I don't know." He shifted his weight awkwardly; the anger less visible, but still simmering near the surface. "I might be."
"You might be?" She emitted a laugh, but it sounded like a sob. "Not exactly the three little words every woman longs to hear, are they?"
"Do you long for me to say them to you, Faria?" His voice trembled with anger.
"I'm sorry," she said helplessly. Confusion and pain blurred her mind. She couldn't think straight anymore.
"Love or not, why don't you consider me instead of an anonymous donor, Faria? I'm afraid I don't know my exact IQ, but I'm very willing to provide all the stats your heart desires."
His sarcasm was too much.
"You are, are you?" she shouted. "You are willing to give me a baby and promise to leave us alone? If I could trust any man to do that, I would have already had my baby."
"Are you living in a fairy tale, Faria? Do you know how difficult it is to raise a baby? There's a reason why nature provides two parents."
"Some women do it and they do it just fine."
"Some women might but do you think it's fair, and do you think it's fair on the child? Have you really given any thought as to how it will feel when your baby starts to smile and you wonder where that dimple came from? Or maybe she shows musical talent and you'll wonder if there are musicians in her genetic line." He grabbed her upper arms. "And when she asks, Faria, when she asks about her daddy, what are you going to tell her?"
Her voice was hoarse as her incoherent thoughts spilled forward in a mass of confused words. "I want children, but no man will have the right to take them away from me whenever he wants to play dad. No man will try to buy my children's love with sweets or toys or trips that I can't afford to give them." Her voice broke and to her horror she was viewing Nathan through a fog of tears. She lifted her hands up when he reached for her again. "Don't touch me, Nathan! Don't touch me!"
He ignored her plea and wrapped his arms around her, forcing her head against his chest. Her wet cheeks dampened the cotton, making it even darker. "It's okay, Faria. Come on! Your parents screwed up, but that is no reason to take such an extreme action. You're smart enough to know that yours was an extreme case. You are not your mother and you know that all men are not like your father."
"That's not a risk I'm willing to take," she hiccupped, pushing him away even as she felt an almost irresistible longing to wrap her arms around his neck. She hated the helpless feeling. That she was fleeing to the unknown, escaping from something that could have been. "Just leave me alone! I don't want you to mess up my life!" She stumbled to the door, fumbled until she found the handle and escaped.
As she trudged away down the chilly Brooklyn Street she felt cold, but she needed to feel cold to get rid of the numbness which had just engulfed her. She allowed the cold November wind to brush her face.
On her way to 7th Avenue Station she had to walk past Beansprouts Nursery Schoolý and as a result caught the glimpse of a young mother struggling to get her two toddlers to school. Children were a lot of work, but they were worth every minute. She could hardly wait until she had one of her own. Hers and only hers.
As far as Nathan was concerned there was nothing more to say. She loved Nathan and cared deeply for him, but he is not a part of the future she has envisioned. He never was. He will only be a distant but bittersweet memory somewhere in the midst of her mind.
She could never be the woman he wants. A perfect lithe wife and mother of his children. It was not a gamble she was willing to take and unwillingly watch her children suffer in between.
There were just too many nights when she had cried herself to sleep because Mom and Dad were busy fighting a custody battle with divorce settlements. Too many nights when she longed for a family who were not divided, taking sides of their respective siblings, so much so that they neglected their own children for whom the nightmare was all too real and too frightening. This was the story which she would not allow to repeat itself and certainly not with her own child. Something for which she prayed her child would one day forgive her for not allowing a father in his life.
She had made this alien country her home to escape the realms of family, obligation and tradition and she wasn't about to turn about now. Not after so much pain and suffering.

Saquib Uddin Ahmed is with The Aga Khan School, Uttara, Dhaka.