Wrong numbers, right laughs

DIALING wrong numbers can give you a good laugh. A reader named Mary accidentally sang the whole of "Happy Birthday" to a stranger on the phone.
After the listener pointed out her error, she said: "Oops, sorry." He grimly commented: "No problem. You obviously need all the practice you can get."
Angela Sias had a similar experience, and now saves her blushes by using her mobile to send the song by SMS.
Readers sent in a flood of wrong number tales, including this one, from Dan Kubiske:
"A guy calls and asks for Dave. The receiver says, "Sorry, you have the wrong number. There is no Dave here."
A while later, another call comes in for Dave. Same response. This happens several more times. Then comes a different call: "Hi. It's Dave. Are there any messages for me?"
Christy Chiang and several other readers said they have friends or family members who use wrong numbers as opportunities to practice improvisation skills.
Example: The caller asks, "Is Gabriella there?"
Your challenge is to give a really creative response. "I'm sorry. Gabriella had a sex-change operation last night and has reserved this morning for sitting in front of the bathroom mirror laughing like a maniac."
Reader Harry said he used to receive a lot of calls asking for "Sally." After a while, his flatmate stopped saying, "Wrong number," and tried a different line: "I'm sorry. She's upstairs with a customer. Will one of the other girls do?"
After that, Sally made sure her family, friends, and boss had the correct number for her.
A reader named Mahjuja said her cousin tells wrong-number diallers to hold on and leaves them hanging. The record for waiting is half an hour. Then there is the flirtatious young man named Jerry who thought he called one of his friends.
"Hello, gorgeous," he said. "So, are you going to marry me, then?"
The reply: "Of course I will, darling. But first, I have a question -- who's calling?"
If you're fed up with wrong numbers, try using a scary or insulting voicemail message.
The following three have worked wonders for me.
1. Please leave a message. But you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and may be used by us. Beeeep.
2. Hello. Thank you for calling. Here's a question. How do you keep an idiot in suspense? To learn the answer, leave your name and number, and think about it while you are waiting to see whether I return your call. Beeeep.
3. Hello. You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of your voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this service. Our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you.

Visit our columnist at: www.vittachi.com