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     Volume 9 Issue 46| December 03, 2010 |


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Facts to ponder


People have for ages cried for various worldly reasons; for loss of love, money, certificate, car, bicycle, house... Actors (rewaz now to include actresses too under this description) have been fooling the world by flooding the studio floor or the desert dunes or the jungle hillocks with their big blobs of tear, which obviously can be stopped the moment the glycerine is removed, although some artists claim that they really cry genuinely in front of the camera. Whether that is in lamenting for the money the producer has not paid is a different story. But some crying are unstoppable, such as the wheezing and sneezing while peeling onions. But hold it! Scientists say that chewing gum will keep you from crying while you handle onions! If the sale of gum goes up after this free publicity we should be offered a percentage; or else we too have to start chewing the gum. And all these days my friend had been telling me he was on the gum to quit smoking. What a sad fellow he is!

There are also probable cures for people who cannot stop drinking; by that definition we do not include coconut water, and do only mean taking in alcohol. Hard drink drunks, if that makes it more clear to the head, behave in such an uncivilised manner that they become detestable and repulsive, something like a scorpion. And, friends, there likes the scientific discovery. A tiny amount of hard liquor on a scorpion will make it instantly go mad and sting itself to death. Mark the words 'on a scorpion'. Therefore, all you have to do is pour some alcohol on the person and not into the person. What an idea! The matter of going mad is a non-starter because the drunk is already mad. The stinging to death is also not feasible because the drunk has no sting. So fear not, and just pour the thing on the thingy.

For those of you who have complained about the staleness, tastelessness, cockroach-like taste, medicinal flavour, etc of the ketchup in restaurants, here is some comforting information. Of course, ladies wearing lipstick should first check their make-up because most lipstick contains fish scales, which can also leave an unpleasant tang. Talking about lips, Leonardo DaVinci took ten years to paint Mona Lisa's lips; he had to work on the fish scales I assume. However, ketchups are most likely to fit into all your taste complaints because in the 1830's indeed ketchup was sold as medicine. Now if some restaurants are still giving out the 1830's samples, then obviously you have a case in hand, from which you may have to first wipe of the ketchup or whatever you just sampled. Our apologies if the fish-ketchup combo does not go well with you from here on.

There are often cries (not related to onions this one) for taking public opinion on matters of national importance, that janagan never makes mistakes. I am in complete agreement with such line of thinking, but in a country where people can go crazy to buy a one Taka coin by paying five-hundred Taka without even a drop of alcohol being dropped on them is alarming. We have not come to a World War II situation when because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out were made of wood. The Bangladesh Bank took its time to come up with a statement that the maximum value of the metallic one Taka coin, which itself was taken aback by all the razzle-dazzle surrounding it, was a mere eighty or so paisha. By that time thousands of coins had been elevated to bourgeoisie status. This sterling lesson calls for druto educating our electorate, or else they shall be continually exploited. The good news is that percentage-wise very few voters fell for the golden trap. The bad news is that among the coin-purchasers were some educated goofs.

Despite the short-lived chaos over coins by a limited section of our society, we are assured that inanity is not any nation's sole property. For instance, Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants. Since that information came to light every visa seeker has been very careful in shedding their traditional attire and going for the interview in trousers. Also we have come to know that English men used to beat their wife with a cane, because according to the 'rule of thumb' they could beat their wife with anything narrower than their thumb, not wider. No fatwa that, but incidentally that is from where the thumb rule came. Wonder how the English Bhabis are doing these days, what with so many narrower-than-the-thumb modern objects available.

For those of you capable of widening your thoughts beyond the thumb to your entire body but not widen to endanger your health, I have some healthy news. You can delve into celery and apples because it takes more calories to eat them than they possess.





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