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     Volume 7 Issue 34 | August 22, 2008 |

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Write to Mita

Dear Mita,
I'm 23 years old and my husband is 26 years old. We got married against our family's will. However, we never got the chance to live together since we live in different states in USA. I was supposed to move in with him after I graduated. But right before my graduation he started telling me that he was not sure whether he was going to be happy with me since his mom never liked me. At that time I was also suspecting that he was cheating on me. I was heartbroken, but I managed to stay strong. Two months back, he started contacting me again; he kept on telling me that he would never be happy without me and that he was even ready to leave his family if he had to. I never told him that I forgave him or that I was ready to move in with him, but we started talking on the phone again. Everything was fine for three weeks or so and then he started acting like before -- he was not calling me on time, he was not picking up my calls. And then when I confronted him about it, he said sorry and blamed it on his heavy workload. And everything was back to normal. I really love this guy but I do not even know whether he is seeing some other girl. What should I do?

Dear Confused,
My first suggestion is that you should start to live together. Long distance marriages tend to create gaps between couples which often become too wide to bridge. Whatever may be the reason for your separation resolve it if it is already not too late. It is by living together, by sharing and caring that the relationship in a marriage solidifies. If this is not possible immediately then set a timeframe for it. If you suspect that that he is having an affair then confront him but not on the phone. Plan to get together for a few weeks and talk about your differences, your problems can only be resolved through communication.

Dear Mita,
I have been married for four years and do not yet have children though I would like to. My husband is a businessman and often has to go on foreign trips and entertain foreign clients both here and abroad. I don't like interrogating him about what he does on such occasions but I'm not very comfortable with it. I even have doubts about his loyalty to me. It's not that he is any less loving or caring towards me or even that I think he's seeing anyone else steadily, but I have a feeling he might be having temporary affairs, possibly even one-night stands, on his trips abroad. I'm not sure and I don't know what to do. Please help.
In Conflict

Dear Conflict,
You must have very strong evidence before making such serious allegations. Just because he makes foreign trips does not mean that he is being unfaithful. However, if this is bothering you then you should talk to him about it. Let him tell you more about his trips, his meetings, activities and the people he meets. I am sure you will get a sense of what he is doing. Please remember, if a person is up to some shady activities eventually it surfaces as it is not possible to keep these matters a secret for too long. But my advice is to keep faith and trust your partner.

Dear Mita,
I've been married for two years. My husband is an introvert and does not like socialising with family and friends (both his and mine, but mine a bit more). It's not that I really enjoy it either, but there are certain occasions that we have to attend. I don't like forcing him and to be honest, he does attend the functions which cannot be avoided at all, but it does cause a certain strain in our relationship. Plus, he's older than me and went to different schools and colleges and isn't very comfortable hanging out with my friends either. Should I ask him to be more sociable with my family and friends or accept things as they are?
Un-socialite's Wife

Dear Un-Socialite,
These are common problems in any marriage and can be sorted out through discussion. First, you will just have to accept that you have a partner who does not like a lot of socialising. Having said that, both of you must come to a compromise on how you want to socialise. Two people who come together in marriage are most likely to have different sets of friends and relatives. Over the years couples learn to accept each other's social circles and maintain relationships at different levels. You can ask him to be more sociable but that request should be reasonable. If he agrees, in return you should also be willing to make certain compromises.

Dear Mita,
I've been married almost a year to a woman I really love. She's very good to me and we're very good together. Our families also get along and we both get along with each other's families. The problem is an external one. My wife was in a number of relationships in the past, a couple of them quite serious. She's my first love and though it does hurt sometimes that I'm not hers, I've learnt to deal with it. The problem is that we sometimes run into the men in her past. One is in her friend circle, another a former colleague. Those are the hardest times. Not that she is still friendly with them, but just the sight of them and especially around her is hard to tolerate. How can I deal with my wife's past, especially when it comes into the present?
Helpless Hubby

Dear Helpless,
Your maturity and the trust that has been built during this time will help you to deal with this situation. If you love and care about each other, if she makes you happy and both of you are compatible then please ignore this matter. She is now your wife and partner, that is the reality, the past is not important. However, if this bothers you too much then have a frank talk with her. I am sure both of you will find a way to avoid those disturbing elements from her past.

Write to Mita is published every other week on specific themes. For the next Mita column, readers are invited to send queries regarding problems at school/educational institutions.

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