Write to Mita
I'm considering getting married next year to the man I love, but everyone and everything around me is starting to freak me out. I love my fiancé very much, but sometimes I'm still afraid of what might happen. What if we're not happy? What if other people and things get in the way? What if either one or both of us fall out of love? What if he cheats on me or vice versa? I'm just so afraid of . . . I don't even know what. I've been in relationships in the past and not all of them ended happily. I guess I'm just afraid of the pain I've caused others (unintentionally, of course) coming back to me, because I've become quite a believer in the saying "what goes around comes around". What do you think?
Dear Freaking Out,
This is not an unusual phenomenon as many young couples have a “panic attack” before getting married. However, this anxiety should not be taken to such an extent that you start to doubt the basic premise of your relationship. One can never plan anything to perfection. There is always an element of uncertainty about everything we do and marriage is no exception. At some point we have to take a “leap of faith”. However, having said that, you must question yourself and each other as to why you want to be together for the rest of your lives. About causing pain to others unintentionally, please don't worry about that. I am sure you have done many good deeds for others for which you should be rewarded.
I'm 30 years old and have been married for 10 years now. My husband and I married for love, but for the last several years, we have been having problems. They're not even anything major. Just small things added up to a big bitterness, I guess. Neither of us wanted to have kids in the first few years. Then, when things started to get iffy between us, we decided to wait and see how things turned out. Now I want to have a child but my husband doesn't seem interested. Obviously there is pressure from both our families who also believe that a child may bring us closer. Also, I'm not getting any younger. Granted, we're not perfectly happy, but then, who is? How can I know if this relationship will work out? If it can, how can I help make it work? If not, how will I know it's time to get out? And what about having a child? Please help . . .
A Little Lost
Ten years in a marriage is a long time. By now you should have settled your differences and settled down to a life of sharing and caring. It is also true that bringing a child into a bad marriage often adds to a problem rather than solve it. However, having lived together for 10 years you should seriously consider making it work. Try to get to the bottom of your problems. Discuss it, confront it, then be flexible. This flexibility has to come from both sides. Emphasise the positive sides of your characters rather than the negative. Try to bring out the best in each other and build on those. True, nobody is perfectly happy but then what is perfection? You have to accept each other with your faults and follies but with a basic sense of respect and trust.
I'm a 24-year-old woman living with my parents. I realise that as long as I'm living under their roof, there will be certain rules and regulations that I will be expected to follow but sometimes things just get to me. I can hardly do anything independently. Yes, I go to university and I'm even working, but I still feel like I lack freedom and independence to do some of the things I want to. I always have to travel in a car, unless someone picks me up or unless someone accompanies me on public transport. I have to give quite detailed explanations of where I'm going and with whom. I'm not allowed to go on trips outside Dhaka with friends. I understand my parents' concerns about safety and security and everything but won't I ever be able to do anything on my own without a parent or spouse chaperoning me all my life?
I agree and sympathise with your situation. Your parents will have to learn to give you more freedom as you grow older and you must demand it gradually. You need to talk to them and explain that this kind of behaviour frustrates and belittles you. You just need to take some decisions on your own and if they object, you need to protest in a polite way. You must somehow demonstrate to them that you are an adult and must be treated like one.
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