Doctor's Orders

Making Babies
Mommy has told her little girl all about the making of babies.
Little Annie is now silent for a while.
"You understand it now?" Mommy asks.
"Yes," replies her daughter.
"Do you still have any questions?"
"Yes, how about little kittens? How does that work?"
"In exactly the same way as with babies."
"Wow!" the girl exclaims. "My daddy can do ANYTHING!"

Headache Cure
If you have a lot of tension and you get headaches, do what it says on the aspirin bottle:
"Take two and keep away from children."

What's Wrong With Me Doctor?
An annoyingly self-righteous man went to the doctor for a check-up. He said, "I feel terrible. Please examine me and tell me what's wrong with me." "Let's begin with a few questions," said the doctor, "Do you drink much?"
"Alcohol?" said the man. "I'm a teetotaller. Never touch a drop."
"How about smoking?" asked the doctor.
"Never," replied the man. "Tobacco is bad and I have strong principles against it."
"Well, uh," asked the doctor, "do you have much sex life?”
"Oh, no," said the man. "Sex is sin. I'm in bed by 10:30every night . . . always have been."
The doctor paused, looked at the man hard, and asked,
"Well, do you have pains in your head?"
"Yes," said the man. "I have terrible pains in my head.”
"OK," said the doctor. "That's your trouble. Your halo is on too tight."

Take As Directed
A guy from Alabama was suffering from constipation, so his doctor prescribed suppositories. A week later the guy complained to the doctor that they didn't produce the desired results.
"Have you been taking them regularly?" the doctor asked.
"What do you think I've been doing," said the man, "shoving them up my behind?"

Saved from Choking
One day, at a local buffet, a man suddenly called out, "My son's choking! He swallowed a quarter! Help! Please, anyone! Help!" A man from a nearby table stood up and announced that he was quite experienced at this sort of thing. He stepped over with almost no look of concern at all, wrapped his hands around the boy's gonads and squeezed. Out popped the quarter. The man then went back to his table as though nothing had happened. "Thank you! Thank you!" the father cried. "Are you a paramedic?" "No," replied the man. "I work for the National Board of Revenue."

The History of Medicine
A short history of medicine: I have an ear ache. 2000 B.C. -- Here, eat this root. 1000 A.D. -- That root is heathen, say this prayer. 1850 A.D. -- That prayer is superstition, drink this potion. 1940 A.D. -- That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill. 1985 A.D. -- That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic. 2000 A.D. --That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.