Family ties

As Tolstoy said, "All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.” He was a great believer in marriage, the beauty and fulfillment of motherhood and the virtues of family life. And he is absolutely right in his beliefs. But as he admits there are happy and unhappy families.

People can choose which sort of family they would like to be. After the initial excitement of love, followed by marriage and its attendant ceremonies come the realities of life.

The husband who at first had the grace of Achilles and the wit of Wilde slowly turns into someone who returns from work bleary-eyed and wants only to sit on the sofa and watch cricket with a cup of tea and a biscuit.

The sweet tempered angel wife begins to sound a bit shrill after a day at office or at home, struggling with her usual chores.

All of which is completely normal, but daunting for people who go into relationships with unreal notions of what constitutes a committed life with another person. 

The real things include bills, worries, in laws, family responsibilities and the slow but inexorable decrease in romance.

People can love each other and still feel a lack of intimacy after the honeymoon period gives way to normal life. Or they may experience a feeling of distance from the partner or sense a lack of commonality, or sharing of common goals.

Whereas it is always sensible to have frank discussions and clear the air in the case of misunderstandings or arguments, there are certain rules of conduct which should be observed. Our parents did know best in this case.

Our elders maintained a certain formality with each other. They were polite to each other at all times, no matter what the provocation. They were taught that disrespect encouraged low standards of behaviour, which was always unacceptable.

Secondly they always used restrained language, again no matter what the circumstances. 

Thirdly, they learned to exercise tolerance towards each others' weaknesses and eccentricities or failings.

People were never meant to be perfect.  If we are to expect patience and tolerance from others we must learn to exercise those qualities ourselves.

Fourthly, our elders learnt to turn a blind eye or a deaf ear.

There are times when we need to be blind, deaf and even stupid. Some issues have a way of resolving themselves over time, whereas confrontation and anger frequently lead to frustration and a further deterioration in the relationship which leads to the fifth great rule which is patience. Life is there every day and has to be faced, and patience is the key to survival.

The sixth and most important thing in a relationship is children. 

Children see, hear and learn. Everyone who enters into marriage should respect the institution as sacred for as long as it lasts, if only so that our children can enjoy a carefree childhood in a happy serene home, free of tension and anger. 

In the end the world is not about us, but about our children and the legacy of good values we inculcate in them.