GAMCHHALAND'S MARCH TO DEMOCRACY

It's election time in Gamchhaland and the campaigns are in full swing. Every alleyway, wall and street dog has been plastered with posters and banners. With the governing Troll Party gunning for a third straight term, we look at the manifestos of all the major parties in the running. This time, The Moon Democratic and Freed Slaves Union will provide stiff competition. Which way do you swing? Read on and be the judge.

The Troll Party's Mountain Manifesto

Rumman R Kalam

My dearest Gamchhaland people, too long have we seen warring political parties at each other's throats. Our nation's one and only political agenda has been to atone for past mistakes and punish the wrongdoers of the past. How long do we live in the past before we ourselves become the past? Asking a nation of people (for whom sharing only exists on Facebook) to share without cause; asking a nation to live in the past and shun our neighbours, is this what is set on the cornerstone that our forefathers have built this nation upon?
Yes, many will accuse me of being a foreign slave with my Gamchhaland lungi and Calvin Klein undergarments. Accused by the same people who wear a Chinese watch and carry a Swiss knife. Dig in deep and ask yourselves, where would we be without our friends abroad who have offered their helping hand in times of need? We have received help from our neighbours in Narnia when our existence was at stake. Murdorar, who accuses me of being a foreign slave, sits upon a throne of cash supplied by foreign powers. I ask you, good people: how long can you keep your wives, daughters and sisters locked up to keep them safe from the world when  demons live amongst us in the guise of the Swiss knife?
Corruption is not a gangrenous appendage that can merely be cut off with a sharp knife. Corruption is cancer and cancer must be treated with radiation therapy. To treat corruption, at first we must protect the ones that could be collateral damage. Our citizens have been collateral damage for long enough. We, as a nation, have always been known for our skills when it comes to outsourcing. For that, we will outsource every man, woman, child and tiger to save them and let them live the dream they have dreamed!
Our tigers of Beautyfulbans have remained underfed and under-funded for long enough. It is time we called upon our friends at PETA and Murica to help us out in our time of need. We shall export all tigers to save them from the blight that is corruption. When the country is fit for human living only then can we call our tigers back with open arms. For that, I propose forming the ETA -- Expatriate Tigers Association.
Unemployment has been an issue that has plagued us since the birth of this nation. To solve the issue, we will train the unemployed personnel and export them to countries that require their expertise.
My dear people of Gamchhaland, does the child on the street know what the glory of a long-gone past was? Does he know the glory of our motherland when glory for him was the black and white photo of him on 3rd World Times magazine? The entire world knows of our squalid situation and it is time we opened our doors to them; let's wipe away hatred and replace it with love for our fellow trolls. Long live the people of Gamchhaland!

Promises promises:
* The Tigers will rest at peace and not in piece.
* Turn all educational institutions into Troll Medium.
* Sell off tanks, bombers and fighter jets to fund schools.
* Women's rights for men.
* Fundamentalists will run inside imported hamster wheels to produce electricity.
* Beggars will have their own government-funded advertising agency to help them with begging. Begging will turn into a booming business under the Mountain rule.

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The Moon Democratic's Always Right Manifesto

Zoheb Mashiur

People of Gamchhaland, listen to your hearts! Too long have we seen our country chewed up and spat out by the jaws of corruption and greed! Too many of us have bled to see our lands sold to the hated foreigner, to see our ancient ways and traditions sullied by the filthy river of the West! We are the Gamchha people, of proud and noble ancestry, our history filled with tales of triumph against the forces of evil foreignness!
What would your ancestors say to you, o my people, if they could see you now? Little more than galley slaves, rowing the nation to waters you know not where, a ship captained by those of dubious heritage and moral rectitude! Are we the sons and daughters of those brave men who defeated the Green Army from the West who wished to spread their heathen rule over these green fields? Can we dare to say that the blood of Timur courses through our veins? No! That great, kind man's blood recoils in our veins, crying out in disgust at the state we have allowed ourselves to reach! Fie on us, us degenerate dregs of a once great legacy. We are beaten, destroyed from within by the agents of foreign nations who connive to steal our lands.
What is profit, I ask our leader, our high and mighty Shout Troll? What does it matter how many notes you stuff in your pocket if it means the rape of your motherland? You show us your patriotism by wearing that lungi, but it is known that beneath it there lurks the foreign cancer of Calvin Klein!
Gamchhaland! I, Murdorar, leader of the Always Right Party, promise you an end to foreign influence and capitalist greed! Fear no longer to raise up your heads in pride! Let us forge our destiny anew in cleansing fire and strong steel! Arise, my people, and swat the flies who would feast on you, thinking you no more than a rotten corpse! Arise, my people, arise! Vote Swiss knife!

I pledge:
* We shall shut down the conspiring embassies, and send those evil diplomats crawling back to their motherships!
* No more lying usury banks, no more stock markets to steal your hard-earned savings! To the abyss with them all! In our Gamchhaland there will always be money for those who would make this country strong!
* We will nationalise the industries!
* You say that our nation is rife with unemployment and beggary? The forces will be made millions strong! Into every hand outstretched for alms we shall place a Kalashnikov!
* No longer will our glorious forces depend on imported equipment and vehicles! We shall build great factories that will produce a thousand tanks in a single day!
* The corrupt, tainted children of Troll Medium schools shall be taught the true way of the Gamchcha at work camps!
* Those proud 'intellectuals' -- spewing their lies every night, broadcasted to every home in the country -- shall be silenced!
* Only the truth shall be printed on the papers and heard on the airwaves and seen on your screens!

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Freed Slaves Union's Rainbow Manifesto

Shaer Reaz

The beret represents revolutionary thinkers, change-makers; it is the cap of servitude that binds the wearer to a strict code of conduct whenever it is donned. Widely recognised as a symbol of the fight of the oppressed working class against their capitalist masters. We urge all our brave comrades to go out to Gazi's Market and buy the official Red Beret, yours for only 200 bucks (no haggling please), to show your support and to express solidarity with our cause: to build a better Gamchhaland, one subsidised brick at a time.
Our mission is simple, our hearts and minds set, our voices ready. We want to take back our country and give it back to those who hold the most power: the people. Who are we? We have been chosen to represent the people, the true people of Gamchhaland, the ones who toil away in the fields, inhale the toxic fumes of the tanneries, the countless who stitch and fit the world while they themselves wear nothing better than rags. We will feed them, clothe them, give them a roof over their heads, a roof that doesn't leak with the ineptitude of a system designed to categorically rip these people off at every turn. We will give a better life to the life force of this country.
The past five years have been disastrous for this nation, and the Trolls have systematically sold off this country to their capitalist masters. We have been their puppets and we have sold our souls, in exchange for what? More contracts for deaths, more lives lost in the rubble of factory floors caving under the weight of minimum wage tears. No more!    
Our workers will not starve. A farmer will not plough his own field only to feed his skeletal family a few scraps of rice every night. He will not sell his soul to the modern zamindars of chain shops and supermarkets. He will contribute what he can, after he has fed his family. With our policy of Eat First, Sell Later ©, we will bring food security back to this starving country. Bumper crops will feed the entire country, year after year, till hunger is almost completely eradicated. We will grow our own onions, and the tears we shed while chopping them up will be our tears, and they will not be for sale to the highest bidder.
Our economy will be stable, we will finance our development projects, we will train our citizens to be skilled, efficient labour that we will put to use in factories and farms owned and enjoyed by them. We will be an independent, sovereign nation, but we will not turn away any state that extends its hand in friendship. Our foreign policy will make them come to us, not the usual beg and plead that the ruling Trolls seem so fond of.

The agenda:
* De-privatisation of Shout Troll's personal airline. He can only leech off tax money for so long and buy only so many jets.
* Secure our borders with Narnia and stop buying so many onions from them.  
* Find a sustainable solution to energy crisis, not build a huge power plant and sell power to Narnia just because they have eternal winter.
* De-privatisation of the garments industry watchdogs; eventually the entire industry itself. Improving safety and work conditions.
* Ensure freedom of speech through the close observation of media outlets, especially youth supplements of major daily newspaper taking themselves too seriously.
* Abolishment of capital punishment; to be replaced with banishment of the guilty to the border with Narnia, shepherding goats across the border without proper documents on person (or goat).
* Building a bridge to Terabithia, our other neighbour, so that refugees can cross over safely. Upon entry, the refugee Terabithians will not be subjected to slave labour; however, should they prove to be a handful, they will be bundled off to the border with Narnia (see above).
* Get re-elected next election season, and do anything necessary to stay in power.
* Rename Gamchha Intelligence Agency (GIA) to KG2 © (KGB was already taken).

Disclaimer: Any resemblance to characters living/dead/deposed is merely coincidental.