CONSPIRACY THEORIES PART 1

KNOW YOUR ILLUMINATI

Wanna know a secret? The bosspeople at Shout are Illuminati. Yup, it's true. And do you know how I know? Because they seem to know where things happen or will be happening. Every week they somehow just know what's new in town as well as what will happen in the days to come. Let me give you a few examples:
"Roknation 2 is coming up, anybody wants tickets?"
"Victory day is coming up. Does anybody have any unique ideas as to what we can write about?"
"The new year is just up ahead. We have the idea for a cover story… so who wants to write this?"
They may have my sheeple colleagues fooled but not me. I'm on to you. I've worked my way into media to reach the masses so that I may spread the knowledge of the secret society of puppet-masters. Not actual puppet-masters, I have nothing against them. The puppet-masters I speak of are figurative ones, not menial occupation holders. Err, so where was I? The Illuminati is a secret society. They control people so they're similar to puppet-masters. I'm here to expose them!
Famous people who are constantly making a fool of themselves in public belong to Illuminati. They do it so well that the news reports these screw-ups and they get more attention than real news. Back in the real world, Ukrainians are raging fire and facing tear gas. Instead, you're reading about how Amanda Bynes got drunk and walked into the shooting of Armenian Pie pretending to be Tobey Macguire. All of these people, including pretend-Tobey Macguire, are part of the Illuminati. You can just imagine them wearing cloaks, lining up with other hooded figures and drinking the blood of Elmo, as is part of their initiation rites. They divert your attention.
Hooded authoritative figure: Lindsay, why are you hesitating? Drink the blood.
Hooded Lindsay: I don't know … you think it's harmful for my body and public image?

Successful people are Illuminati too. Like Eminem, Kenya West, James Hetfield, chin scratch guy who did Apple, Johnny Deepp, Bill Gates, Mark Zuckerberg … the list stretches on to infinity and beyond. Speaking of which, Buzz Lightyear was probably Illuminati too. Do you know how I can be certain of their shady affiliations? Well, you see, there's an easy test just about anyone with an internet connection can perform. Just type in the name of a famous personality followed by 'Illuminati'. The amount of relevant results you'll get will astound you. Because if you're not successful, how is it possible that someone else is? They obviously have connections in high places. You say success is attainable through hard work, knowledge, talent and entrepreneurial spirit? HAHH! Is that even a thing? They were made successful thanks to their affiliation with the Illuminati and they were sought out and recruited by the Illuminati because they are successful. I'm very confused as to the order though.
Not all Italians are Illuminati but all Illuminati are Italians. I am certain of this because 'illuminati' is an Italian word. Therefore, it is only natural that their initiation rites contain a conversion of their faith to Italianism. Because they are Italian, their hobbies and past times include eating pizza, playing football, making art, trying to save the princess only to find out that she is in another castle and of course, controlling and manipulating the world.
With both the paragons and dregs of society in cahoots with the I-folks, you'd think the middle was safe. But no, there are Illuminati spies embedded everywhere, even in the middle classes.
Your neighbour who got tired of listening to your tinfoil hat grade conspiracy theories and suggested you just relax and just watch TV? Illuminati.
The lady working at the bank who short-changed you by 1 Taka? Illuminati.
The local barber who never quite gets your haircut right? Illuminati.
KiwiBB's customer care? Illuminati!
That stray dog? Mascot for Illuminati's football team.
Basically, everybody and their grandmothers are in on this. They have to keep tabs on you. Because you are that important. They know how much of a threat you possess to their organisation. I congratulate you, tiny human, on being the number one threat to an organisation of nerds (of questionable existence).
Talking about the Illuminati is taboo and doing so is very likely to get you killed. So if I'm found dead any time soon, you know who did it...

Disclaimer: SHOUT does not take responsibility of the ramblings of a believer of 'The New World Order'. People accused of being 'Illuminati' by the writer, may or may not be so.