Empty nest syndrome creeps into city life

. PHOTO: Syed Zakir Hossain

It took a very long time for Ayesha Rahman (not her real name), a widow living in Dhanmondi, to come to terms with 'empty nest syndrome'. Ayesha is like any other aged parents who live separate from their children.

Empty nest syndrome refers to the grief that many parents feel when their children move out of home. According to psychologists, this condition is more common in women.

Living separately from parents but staying in the same city is no more an unimaginable task in today's world. "Actually it is better both for the parents and their adult children if they live separately. They can avoid all types of confrontation especially in the case of the son or daughter being married," said Akhtaruzzaman who is working in a private company.

Some adult children these days prefer to live alone when they are single because of the attraction of freedom. There are elderly parents too who do not want to stay with their adult children.

"I think the relationship between us will be perfect if my son and daughter-in-law live elsewhere," said Hasina Haider, whose son got married recently. "It is a far better way to avoid squabbles," she added.

This change in attitude to traditional values leads elderly people to suffer from the empty nest syndrome.

In most of the cases elderly parents living alone in Bangladesh have their offspring staying abroad. It has increased over the years following people's inclination to settle abroad.

"Initially it was very tough for me to except it when all of them left," said Shameem Rahman, mother of two who are living in the USA and Canada since 1992. She said she and her husband had developed the habit of living away from children over the years.

"However, I still feel bad whenever I see the empty chairs at the dining table," she sighed. "We miss our grandchildren also," she added.

"Well, you cannot but miss your own blood," said Aminul Islam, who has all three of his children living abroad. "But there is no other way to avoid it. They are bound to leave as it is natural and you cannot blame them," he said.

Most of the parents, especially mothers said they had a innate preparedness to bear staying away from daughters no matter how heart-breaking it can be as it is the tradition for daughters in our society to leave the parental abode after marriage. However, it takes more time to adjust in the case of sons living separately.

Insecurity haunts some of these elderly parents. Especially those who are quite old and have become more emotionally vulnerable.

"I am on the verge of leaving this world. Who will take me to doctor if I fall sick?" said Aziz Anwar who lives without his children in Gulshan.

In western countries parents plan in advance for the day when their nest will be empty. Often they opt to go to psychologists for counselling beforehand to cope with the stress and distress. However, it is not that common in Bangladesh as yet.

"We receive some people who comes to us as patients suffering depression and then we find the reason behind it the empty nest syndrome," said A. H. Mohammed Firoze, Director, National Mental Health Institute. "Only one in a hundred patients comes to us seeking help for coping with the syndrome," he added.

Firoze said mental stress that originates from such circumstances might cause psychosomatic problems like headache, high blood pressure, body-ache, or palpitation.