• Wednesday, March 04, 2015


Wake Up

Love is a temple but begging and crawling to enter is a bad idea

Amitava Kar
Photo: Prabir Das
Photo: Prabir Das

You long to be loved by her but she does not love you. It is a constant anguish. You know she is soon going to be a sun in someone else's sky. “Why can't it be mine?” you ask. Then comes the most obvious one: “What am I to do?”
Relax. We will make it easier on you. It's alright; we all want to be loved.
But why?
It's a complex question. Why do you want to be loved? And why does it become anguish if you are not? What is the cause, the motive or the root of wanting to be loved?
Is it because you are lonely? Is it that you feel if you are not loved you have no reason there to live? Is it that if you are loved, you feel you can sing, roll, be happy and all that? Is it that in yourself you are nothing and when she loves you, you become something?
Do you follow? It's your life that's being talked about here.
So please listen.
There is a cause which makes you say: I want her love. There is a cause, there is a motive, and there is a background which says you must have that. One of those causes is you are desperately lonely. I bet you are, especially if you are married. Is it Chekhov who said, “If you are afraid of loneliness, do not marry.”
Married, unmarried, in a crowd or in isolation, you, through your self-centred activities, bring about loneliness.
So now that you understand the cause, can you be free of that cause?
See where you are being led to?
Easier said than done. “Much like other animals, human beings too have the gregarious instinct,” quips Dr Abdul Matin, professor emeritus, Department of Philosophy at University of Dhaka. “Unless we become some other kind of beings, we cannot be free from this longing.”
 You are lonely, depressed, isolated, and feel desperately unhappy. And if that someone loves you, everything becomes beautiful. So your desire, your longing is based on loneliness, and a demand for companionship with whom you can talk, unfold all the rest of it.
So we have established the cause. Question is do you see it?
All you want is she loves you, for God's sake. But she doesn't. She turns away from you. You become full of anxiety, depressed, more depressed than ever. But what's it to her? Is she under any moral obligation to love you even if you love her with everything you have? “Not if she does not feel that kind of love for you. But she is if she owes you,” says Dr Matin.

If you stretch out your hand to be loved, that means you do not love at all. Photo: Prabir Das
If you stretch out your hand to be loved, that means you do not love at all. Photo: Prabir Das

Loneliness is a sense of isolation. The isolation comes into being as long as you are self-centred—always thinking about yourself—you are unhappy, you want him to love you.
You have reduced all your life which is such an extraordinary gift to a small affair: you want his love—such a petty little affair. And being isolated, you are unhappy, and you pine for him to love you.
 See the infinite complexity of a simple question? You want to be loved. If you are not, you are full of anxiety. “What am I to do?”
Fact is when the mind is caught in such anxiety, such anguish, it can't think clearly. It can't even listen, it's so full of anxiety—its own sense of desperation. But you have to find an interval in which you can listen. For a second you will say, okay, tell me about it.
Then you will listen or you will say no I don't want to listen because I am sad and life has lost its meaning. Most people do.
So, if you think about it, without that sense of anguish you are nothing. That sense of anguish is what keeps you alive. And you love your anguish so much that you don't want to listen. But when you do—with your heart, with your mind, with your being—you have a space. Your brain becomes quiet. Then that very listening becomes a seed that's sown—a seed of freedom from that despair. Then you don't have to do a thing. It grows and multiplies.
Then you understand love is not something to be asked for. You don't stretch out your hand to be loved. That means you really do not love at all. If you are asking to be loved by another, that means you do not have any love in yourself. When you are asking him to love you even if he does not want to, you are making yourself a beggar.
It may be alright to be a beggar. But see the consequences of it? You are letting something rob you of your dignity. You are always depending on somebody else. And there are all those people who give you advice by filling your bowl with their rubbish.
So do you see what has taken place when you ask the question: I want to be loved, and if am not, I am in great anguish, what am I to do? If you have no love, then you are incapable of receiving love. Love is not a vacuum, a sense of emptiness. On the contrary, if you have this tremendous feeling—okay not a feeling—a quality, a depth, a beauty, then you don't ask anyone for it.
It's like a cup being full.
Your problem is solved.

Published: 12:00 am Friday, April 18, 2014

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