• Monday, March 02, 2015

Writing the Wrong

Foiled By a Flower

Sharbari Ahmed

China's ultimate super secret blueprint for world domination has changed.  According to sources in and out of the State Department of the US, its original plan to purchase vast swathes of Malibu, CA and convert them into state of the art women's beach volleyball and Sports Illustrated swimsuit model training camps has hit a snag.
Originally the goal was to win the Gold medal in women's beach volleyball at the 2016 Olympics and thus break America's morale once and for all.  

“Beach volleyball is a quintessentially American invention,” explained Li Xen Yen, of the ministry of First World Emulation.  “It was borne out of a pervading sense of shiftlessness and the narcissistic American need to exhibit their scantily clad bodies in public. It is extremely shallow, but extremely cool and we are tired of being the awkward, nerdy kids not invited to the party. In the high school cafeteria pecking order that is Geo-politics we are relegated to the table closest to the bathrooms and since we own all the gold in Fort Knox and the US is indebted to us, we feel it only right that we be allowed to hang with the cool kids.  But In order to do that we must excel at those things that are considered cool. Beach volley ball and posing in a wet bikini with a dusting of sand on our buttocks are among the things that we have identified as symbols of a cool nation.”

The sensible plan has hit a snag because large groups of Chinese youth are flocking to Provence, France and the small coastal town of East Marion, NY, instead of wanting to get wet in Malibu.  The Central Committee had not taken into account that the very thing it was counting on, the need to fit in and conform, would work against them.  What is attracting the well-heeled, selfie taking Chinese youth? Fields of Lavender!  Naturally.  Provence is known for its bucolic beauty and its large fields of lavender.  In East Marion, a small town in Long Island, NY, a mom and pop lavender farm is making money hand over fist because of a Hong Kong movie named “Lavender”, a realistic tale of a beautiful aroma therapist who falls for an angel, named very unpredictably “Angel” who crashes into her life, after wounding his wing.  They frolic for an exorbitant amount of time in lavender fields with each other and a sassy gay neighbor named Chow Chow, who owns a dog named Chow Chow, (please Google this, it is the actual plot of the movie) andfor whatever reason this has captured the romantic notions of an entire generation of young Chinese lovers.  As a result more and more trendy Chinese youth are traveling to these places to have their picture taken with their beloved in a lavender field.  Fisticuffs have broken out as one couple might inadvertently wander into another couple's shot or more pernicious still intentionally photo bomb a couple's loving selfie.  

“We have to had to rethink our strategy,” Yen continues.  “This lavender situation interferes with both our Malibu plans and our program to remove every bumble bee from the US mainland by 2023 so as to throw the American eco system off balance. “

Disclaimer:  All news, views, characters, persons and institutions in this article are purely fictitious. Any resemblance to anyone/anything real is purely coincidental.

Published: 12:00 am Friday, July 25, 2014

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