• Thursday, March 05, 2015

Intervention for WWE Addicts


Statistics say everybody and their grandmother knows someone who watches WWE. Well, this is an act of altruism from SHOUT, with granny specifically in mind. She should not have to know such people. Here's how you break your friend/lover/relative's habit of watching WWE. But first, you have to be sure you're not just making groundless accusations against them.

“How do I know if my loved one watches WWE?”
There are several signs of watching WWE, such as watching WWE! Seriously, these people aren't even ashamed of this. You can just ask them and nine out of ten times they'll reply honestly. If you don't want to ask however, that's fine too. Then you'll have to rummage through their personal possessions such as posters and action figures. Check the person's computer as well for wallpapers and videos. While you're on it, see if he's left behind any incriminating cyber footprints on his browser history or auto-complete forms. If cyber-investigation is not your cup of tea, then old school spying is still an option.
If you have found even one of these articles, you can be 80 percent sure that your loved one (loved until recently, any way) is a wrasslophile, i.e. likes wrestling.
Knowing is just a third of the battle, there is more to do here. The next step is to take him for a day out where they do not have the chance to partake in any wrestling-related activities, such as discussing it or watching it. This is typically taking the wrasslophile out to spend a day in the park, the museum or the zoo. Keeping him away from wrestling is the prime target but if a good time can be had in the process, then that's good too. It is important for him to know that joy can be had from things other than watching virtually naked men physically abuse each other and be major drama queens.
You've kept him busy for the day, good. Now when he comes home he'll be dying to watch some man-on-man action. Be sure you've gathered all his well-wishers at his domicile, ready for an intervention. When he gets there, you'll be with him. Sit him down and have an honest talk. By that I mean disapprove of him and who he is. Tell him your love is conditional and his changing is the condition.

This is what a typical intervention dialogue sounds like --
You: This wrestling is taking up too much of your time; you've even been ignoring your son!
Him: I don't have a son!
You: Just wait 'til you see him, he even has your cap!
You: I have a medical report that says otherwise.
Him: Oh my God… when? *Tears welling up in eyes*
Everyone: We tried to tell you but you were too busy watching wrestling.
Him: *Breaks down in tears*

If this does the trick and your addict has been set straight by your love, then everything is just dandy. Most of the time, however, this isn't enough. The demon of wrassling is strong from years of body slams and won't be driven out so easily. This is when you need to send him to rehabilitation where they will work it out of his system using a combination of exorcism, Chinese water torture and Robin Williams' one-liners. If you choose to handle his rehabilitation yourself, you're a braver person than I am. I wish you the best of luck.

Published: 12:00 am Thursday, March 06, 2014


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