The Art of Making Excuses
Do you mumble pathetic things like "the dog ate it" while stuffing paper in your mouth when your teacher asks for your homework? Are you ashamed of yourself for lacking the ability to come up with solid, believable excuses? Then read on, for I shall teach you to master the art of making excuses.
Homework, work, household chores, going out with friends, forgetting birthdays/anniversaries- a master excuse-maker can get out of any sticky situation in the blink of an eye by applying some fool-proof strategies:
Show Evidence: Even the most well planned excuse can fall apart if you don't have enough proof to back it up. Why should your friends believe that you can't make it to the hangout because you're going to Cox's Bazaar for a family vacation? A Facebook check-in "Chilling at Inani Beach- with 6 others" is a nice touch but a useless one if you don't have some photographic evidence. This is when years of previous experience of Photoshopping yourself with random celebrities will finally pay off. If one of your friends calls you up to check, be sure to make some background noise during the phone call – a whoosh of the waves in the sea can never go wrong.
Details are Key: Saying your relative was terribly ill is a lazy excuse. Delving into details and saying your father's-barber's-son's-teacher's mother-in-law suffered a fall down the stairs because she tripped on the 4th step while rushing towards the kitchen to make sure the rooti didn't burn, is a well thought-out, believable excuse. Now is a good time to remember your 8th grade English teacher's advice – be descriptive but interesting. Remember to include the name of the hospital she was taken to, the room number, and how much you liked the nurse's uniform.
Be Creative: Don't think up mundane scenarios where you were stuck in traffic, or your car tyre got punctured. You can do better than that. Claim you were late for that meeting because you were stuck in traffic and your tyre got punctured and as you tried to change the tyre, it started raining heavily (yes, blame Mother Nature) so you got drenched and had to walk back home, change your clothes and walk all the way to work.
Know the Enemy: Your excuse may be presented to your boss, teacher or someone else. Find out everything you can about this person. With the right approach they will warm up to you and buy your excuse in no time. Is your boss a cat-lover who had his first pet when he was 5 years old? Was this pet a ginger cat with green eyes? Explain to him how you had set out for work but came across an abandoned ginger kitten on the road that you just had to take back home and adopt. You're bound to see a tear in his eye, he may even give you a promotion.
Following these tips will ensure you can squirm your way out of any obligation. Or maybe, you could stop being the lazy, dishonest procrastinator that you are and make yourself useful for a change. What is wrong with you?
Salma Mohammad Ali fears she is becoming a crazy cat lady and uses writing as a means to grasp on to sanity. Send her your views/hate/love at fb.com/salma.ali209
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